to sound like a mad song before someone mercifully ans nigrying to stay focused on s later, a rap on my door, a curious pause, and tensified to a t she nearly fell off of me.

    quot; is it? Im busy. Cant you see tie on t;

    quot;; On trembled. quot;Its your motelep;

    quot;tell .quot;

    tave. quot;Im really sorry,  you need to take t;

    I pulled on pants and a ser, opened t taring at t;Someone betterve died.quot;

    It ioned turally, in my s. Upon returning ory t ting in t a stoplig four blocks ae, notucked in a cigarette pack h one remaining Camel.

    I spent trying to make sense of t a t killed  somet  trut me. My deceptions oo careful and clever, yet in my infrequent encounters ed cold, distant, and unyielding. Some private demons plagued  I felt no compassion. it, ers, and I could never forgive o tself,  ted our family to ts.

    itraug of making arrangements. S, no doubt abetted by ributions over many years, to alloo be buried in te tment, but ions. teen, o tears, and at ter all, and coming as it did in ter of my sopimed. I cursed to pay ts astonished me.

    As om in our touary to treet. A brigege of more trailed beers and I led the grim parade.

    quot;; I her.

    Sraig;Your fat of tory. to a salmon t;

    In t . Robins and t  stood in toic as a soldier. Seeing   e o o to our friends and family, and to me. e did not speak of ers back to to receive condolences.

    omen from cones. t more cool and quiet t did in t. On table lay tokens of community spirit—ts, cold fried cato salad, Jell-O salad s, and a tles of soda stood next to gin and scotcub of ice. Floor bubbled madly. My motted  eacs to ticular cooks. Mary sat at one end of t t on , and Elizabete end, c door for visitors. An er  guests siff and formal in ts. One by one, to my mot erment.  me ranger. A couple of old soldiers dropped by, specters from a past t no one else kneing good ole Billy.

    I soon tired of tion reminded me of t-recital gatless. Out on took off my black jacket, loosened my necktie, and nursed a rum and Coke. trees rustled in termittent breeze, and tly ernoon. From ts produced a murmur t rose and fell consistent as ten, a quick peal of laugo remind us t no one is irreplaceable. I lit a Camel and stared at the new grass.

    S my side, redolent of jasmine,  betraying ealtion of trimmed at tis in e couture of Mrs. Kennedy. But tess odeo copy tyle  looking foolis ood at t ty to speak, but s it to me to decide t for conversation.

    quot;It o come. I  seen you since w;

    quot;Im so sorry, ;

    I flicked my cigarette into took a sip from my drink.

    quot;I  a recital doo; s;four or five years ago. to-do aftering lady in a red coat. Remember ly your fatreated  crazy at all, but a person  nig;

    remembered tess from t nig seen or t of ill a little tomboy. I set doed ure, to a nearby cook t next to me, our knees nearly toucared at rance. S s in second grade, ten me at ty-yard das off to too tion. Vaniservening years o a beautiful young woman.

    quot;Do you still play piano?quot; s;I y at college. Are you studying music?quot;

    quot;Composition,quot; I told ;For orcra and c ever get comfortable in front of people. You?quot;

    quot;Im nearly finisical nurse. But Id like to get a masters in social oo. All depends.quot;

    quot;Depends on ;

    So;On . Depends on my boyfriend, I guess.quot;

    quot;You dont sound too entic.quot;

    So me, .

    quot;?quot; I whispered back.

    As if a ligened. quot;t to do. ;

    t  upon me, as if I   I could not place  s oranger draury. tess scrambled to  and nestled into uck out a paed a beat for my handshake.

    quot;Brian Ungerland,quot; ;Sorry for your loss.quot;

    I muttered my tion of tesss voice brougo t;Good luck ions, ; s;Ill look in tore for you.quot; Seered Brian to;Sorry ;

    As t, I called out, quot;I  , tess, and dont get .quot; S me over her shoulder.

    After all tors ed, my motcy glasses in ts of tcreetops before evening fell. trutted like cassocked priests on to to become invisible.

    quot;I dont kno looking at me.

    I sipped anotion.

    S reply. quot;eve enougo get by. t a;

    quot;twins could ;

    quot;to count on to er, I . t trouble noion  occurred to ;It  of ruining tations. t;

    I drained tte from my pocket.

    S;You migo stay  until I can get on my feet. Do you tay?quot;

    quot;I guess I could miss anot;

    So me and grabbed my arms. quot;ay for a fe  it  be.quot;

    quot;Mom, its ter.quot;

    quot;I kno youll stay ; Sared till I nodded. quot;ts a good boy.quot;

    I ended up staying mucurn ed for a feerruption of my studies c left enougo finisill in  a job. My friend Oscar Love, back from a tour of duty  an abandoned store off Linnean Street s. ited to a bar age barely big enougo round out a band. Jimmy Cummings played tar. e called ourselves ts all ending to be Gene Pitney or Frankie Valli, I end bar a fes of t Oscars Bar got me out of tra dollars enabled me to  turn to playing piano, but I loat first year back. tess simes. Seeing he dreams I had deferred.

    quot;You ery man,quot; tess told me one nigs. quot;Or mystery boy, I sotally different from t of us.quot;

    I s measures from quot;Strangers in t.quot; S;Seriously, tranger. Aloof. Above it all.quot;

    quot;Is t rigainly so you.quot;

    quot;O; Sipsy and grinning. quot;You ;

    t  of my forced ant return to te t nig  ionso steal he deja vu face.

    tending bar and playing piano kept me out late at nigers e a cold dinner alone at t nigirred in tside tcant, t looked sort of like a ook my plate into turned on television to te, late movie. After tins first spies o ing and cold, petrified t I  again amid those devils.