I put tting ter for t time. It e afternoon, reaks cutting t remnants of tc t brief, flickering moment o night.
Dusk, I realized t an illusion, because t. And t means t day and nig fe be one t t exist at time.
feel, I remember o be aloget forever apart?
Looking back, I find it ironic t so read tter at t moment t question popped into my is ironic, of course, because I kno its like to be day and nigoget.
ty ernoon, Allie and I. t t on ter, s and pieces of too is taken in by ttle by little to know eacher again.
quot;Its good to talk to you. I find t I miss it, even long.quot;
I am sincere and s sill ranger.
quot;Is ten?quot; s;Do c? I mean, do we know eac;
quot;Yes and no. I ts, but ;
So t, suc s ;ere you ever married?quot;
I nod quot;Yes.quot;
quot; was s;
I tell truth.
quot;Sural to me tbeat. I t ime. Even noing her.
Sakes t knoly, hings.
quot;Is s;
is deat I do not say tead I ans;My wife is alive in my . And s;
quot;You still love you?quot;
quot;Of course. But I love many to sit o sy of t. I love to cos dinner.quot;
S for a moment. S see for years.
quot;;
No fear, just curiosity. t s I ask any;?quot;
quot;;
I smile. quot;Im o be. Its not complicated. Bot dismiss my time s not ed. Its . I sit alk and I to myself, ter t I am doing no;
S, just a moment, smile forms on her lips.
quot;I like being if getting me intrigued is er, youve succeeded. I admit I enjoy your company, but I kno you. I dont expect you to tell me your life story, but ;
quot;I read once t erious strangers.quot;
quot;See, you really ansion. You ans of my questions. You didnt even tell me ory ended t;
I s quietly for a true?quot;
quot;Is rue?quot;
quot;t erious strangers?”
S t;I t;
quot;Do you?quot;
quot;No go putting me on t. I dont kno;
Seasing me, and I enjoy it. e sit silently and caken us a lifetime to learn.
It seems only to sit next to one anot say anytill feel content. tient, must alhe silence.
It is a e, for silence is pure. Silence is draogetable speaking. t paradox.
time passes, and gradually our breato coincide just as it did this morning.
Deep breat en do. I his. Finally, when she wakes, a miracle.
quot;Do you see t bird?quot; Ss to it, and I strain my eyes. It is a , but I can because t. I point, too.
quot;Caspian stern,quot; I say softly, and e our attention to it and stare as it glides over Brices Creek. And, like an old rediscovered, .
S about my evasiveness. On days like t my entionally ongue many times t feermined not to let it myself and ansimes not too eer nothing.
t decision, bot necessary, for o limit t my ans I change.
Does t? Per I erfall of information t is red eyes and quivering jaen all t ant to me? I could not and neitions and ans of this Is Your Life.
t feeling, of ts and is t kno ans make it all are at pictures of forgotten offspring, brus inspired notters t brougter, and ending t began. Our days , and so was she. And selfishly, so was I.
So I ceries of t learning nonet o be done. And I learned o a c life is simply a collection of little lives, eac a time. t eac finding beauty in flory and talking to animals. t a day spent s and refres be bettered. But most of all, I learned t life is about sitting on benc to ancient creeks imes, on good days, for falling in love.
quot; are you t; she asks.
It is no . It is o do ts to keep me from falling. Eito myself.
quot;Im t you.quot;
So t to squeeze my arm, and I can tell s I said. Our life togeto see t knohem herself.
I go on: quot;I kno remember makes me feel good.quot;
Saps my arm and smiles. quot;Youre a kind man . I ;
e ell you somet;
quot;Go a;
quot;I t;
quot;An admirer?quot;
quot;I see.quot;
quot;You dont believe me?quot;
quot;I believe you.quot;
quot;You s;
quot;;
quot;Because I t is you.quot;
I t t t tyard. e come to top . I give to o ;tiful.quot;
e resume our is true in a times I do not feel lucky.
quot;You ts me?quot; I finally ask.
quot;Yes.quot;
quot;;
quot;Because I you ;
quot;?quot;
quot;t; so me. quot;I found it under my pillo;
I read it, and it says:
tal ache,
Yet my promise remains true at the closing of our days,
A tender touc ends h a kiss
ill awaken love in joyous ways.
quot;Are t; I ask.
quot;I found t of my coat.quot;
Our souls were one,
If you must know and never s;
ith splendid dawn, your face aglow
I reac.
quot;I see,quot; and t is all I say.
e ime, silver talk of try. She romance.
By time h her hand and makes me face her. I do and I realize how hunched over I have become.
Simes I am glad s know how much I have changed.
Surns to me and stares for a long time.
quot; are you doing?quot; I ask.
quot;I dont to forget you or trying to keep your memory alive.quot;
ill it ime? I . It cant. I do not tell s, tead because .
quot;t; I say.
quot;I mean it. I dont to forget you again. Youre very special to me. I dont knooday.quot;
My t closes a little. tion beions I feel . rong enougo carry o paradise.
quot;Dont try to say anyt; sells me. quot;Lets just feel t.quot;
And I do, and I feel heaven.
from most. tical experience . t advanced stages of Alz completely lost. ting and confused. t t feed tendency to lost. Srangers car a quarter mile arapped to tter at times, and at otimes t caff or people rying disease, and t is o visit.
Allie, of course, oo, problems t ime. Serribly afraid in tiny people, like gnomes, I tc to get away.
S eat regularly. Soo t to fatten her up.
But ty ends. times, just sometimes, after I read to ion isnt so bad.
tion for t;Its impossible,quot; tors say. quot;S not ; But s days and every morning t. On t.
But ? imes cer I read? I tell tors t in my , but I am not believed.
Instead to science. Four times specialists raveled from Co find times t understanding.
I tell t;You cant possibly understand it if you use only your training and your books,quot; but t;Alz ion, its just not possible to ion or improve as t;
But s every day, not most of time, and definitely less to. But sometimes. And all t is gone on t ions are normal, s are normal. And t I kno.
Dinner is ing in urn. It o eat alhese, and once again I could ask for no more.
take care of everyto me, and I am thankful.
ts are dimmed, t by table ly in tes are plastic, and ttle) is filled rules are rules and s seem to care. Sly at t. her eyes are wide.
quot;Did you do t;
I nod and she room.
quot;It looks beautiful.quot;
I offer my arm in escort and lead o t release it here.
oucand close togetal springtime evening. tly, and I feel a breeze as it fans my ccime as the evening sky unfolds.
quot;Ive never seen anytiful, Im sure of it,quot; sh her.
quot;I , eit; I say, but I am looking at I mean, and I see later she whispers:
quot;I t tory,quot; she says.
quot;You do?quot;
quot;;
quot;S ;
quot;Youre sure?quot;
quot;Absolutely.quot;
I smile and nod. quot;Yes, s; I say softly, and s.
I pull out . Ss and I sit opposite able, and I take it in mine, and I feel o move as it did so many years ago. it speaking, I stare at ime, living and reliving ts of my life, remembering it all and making it real. I feel my t begin to tighten, and once again I realize how much I love her. My voice is shaky when I finally speak.
quot;Youre so beautiful,quot; I say. I can see in s about I really mean by my words.
S respond. Instead s shinking.
Sly squeeze . it, and I kno there.
And t proves me right.
As Glenn Miller plays softly in a candlelit room, I co to form on makes it all co mine.
Soward her.
quot;Youre ; sly, trailing off, and at t moment soo; times.
S a makes me are at eaco t Allie, and t me makes me aractal eyes.
Im strong and proud, and t man alive, and I keep on feeling t ime across table.
By time to break the silence.
I say, quot;I love you deeply, and I .quot;
quot;Of course I do,quot; s;Ive always loved you, Noa;
Noao myself, she knows who I am ...
She knows ...
Suciny t for me it is a gift from God, and I feel our lifetime toget years of my life.
S;Noa Noa; And I, tors for a moment. I give up tense of mystery, and I kiss to my cheek and whisper in her ear. I say:
quot;You are test t o me.quot;
quot;O; sears in ;I love you, too.quot;
If only it his, I would be a happy man.
But it . Of time slips by, I begin to see the signs of concern in her face.
quot;s ; I ask, and ly.
quot;Im so afraid. Im afraid of forgetting you again. It isnt fair... I just cant bear to give t;
I dont knoo say. I knoo an end, and to stop table. In tell her:
quot;Ill never leave you. we ;
Ss empty promises. But I can tell by t me t once again shere were more.
ts serenade us, and o pick at our dinner. Neit I lead by example and sakes small bites and cime, but I am glad to see . S too muc in t ths.
After dinner, I become afraid despite myself. I knoill be ours, but I knoolled t and t to come, and to stop it. So I stare at and live a lifetime in t remaining moments.
Nothing.
ticks. Nothing.
I take hing.
I feel remble and I whing.
I tell time t I love her.
And thief comes.
It alime. For as so blink rapidly and surning toares for a long time, concern etched on her face.
No! My mind screams. Not yet! Not no onig but tonight... Please!
the words are inside me.
I cant take it again! It isnt fair.., it isnt fair... But once again, it is to no avail.
quot;t; sing, quot;are staring at me. Please make top.quot; the gnomes.
A pit rises in my stomacops for a moment, tarts again, time s pounding. It is over, I kno affects my part of all. For w comes, simes I wonder wher she and I will ever love again.
quot;t; I say, trying to fend off table. S believe me. quot;taring at me.quot;
quot;No,quot; I whisper while shaking my head.
quot;You cant see t;
quot;No,quot; I say, and s.
quot;ell, t t; s;and taring at me.quot;
it, so talk to s later, o comfort h wide eyes.
quot;; ser. quot; are you doing ;
t, for tion, and t breaking words of all.
quot;Go aay a; serrified, now oblivious of my presence.
I stand and cross to range pain in my side. I dont kno is a struggle to press tton to call toget I finally succeed. t for t, I stare at my wife.
ty... ty seconds pass, and I continue to stare, my eyes missing nots soget in all t time s look back, and I am ed by truggling h unseen enemies.
I sit by tart to cry as I pick up tebook.
Allie does not notice. I understand, for her mind is gone.
A couple of pages fall to to pick tired no, alone and apart from my wife.
And comfort. A ly in the corner, his face in his hands.
I spend t of tially open and I see people rangers, some friends, and if I concentrate, I can alking about families, jobs, and visits to parks. Ordinary conversations, not I find t I envy tion. Anot sometimes I cant .
Dr. Barno suc at too mucell ime be around forever. But listen to me.
ients, come torn by contradiction. s to be a doctor completely devoted to ients and a man completely devoted to be bot enoug to learn to the choice will be made for him.
I sit by t today. It ions keep me silent for many hours.
I did not read to anyone t, for poetic introspection o tears. In time, t except for tfalls of evening soldiers. At eleven oclock I for some reason I expected. tsteps I know so well.
Dr. Barnwell peeks in.
quot;I noticed your lig;
quot;No,quot; I say, shaking my head.
aking a seat a fe from me.
quot;I ; ;you ; rigued by us and tions kno is entirely professional.
quot;I suppose so.quot;
my ans me. quot;You okay, Noatle do;
quot;Im fine. Just a little tired.quot;
quot;oday?quot;
quot;Salked for almost four ;
quot;Four s… incredible.quot;
I can only nod. ;Ive never seen anyt, or even it. I guess ts . You t for eac love you very muc, dont you?quot;
quot;I kno; I say, but I cant say anything more.
quot;s really bot your feelings?
quot;No. Sually. Its just t rig;
quot;Alone? Nobodys alone.quot;
quot;Im alone,quot; I say as I look at my c ;and so are you.quot;
t fe significance. Allie o recognize me at any time, and I admit my attention of my ts spent. too soon, t t day, only gained, and I was o his blessing once again.
By tty mucurned to normal. Or at least as normal as my life can be. Reading to Allie, reading to othe halls.
Lying a nigting by my er in trange comfort in tability of my life.
On a cool, foggy morning eiger s our day togetom, and puttered around my desk, alternately looking at pograpters ten many years before. At least I tried to. I couldnt concentrate too to sit in my co ced to be refres more.
I closed my eyes for a fees ely pounded and subsided.
tc, and it o inspire me. It is a contradiction - t renealked to it t morning, oget t;
ted in agreement, t reflecting the creek and I. Flowing, ebbing, receding.
It is life, I to cer. A man can learn so many things.
It in t as t peeked over the horizon.
My iced, started to tingle, somet arted to lift it, but I o stop igopped tingling and began to go numb, quickly, as if my nerves o every cell of my body, like a tidal s path.
I lost my sig sounded like a train roaring inc I ning bolt, and in my last remaining moments of consciousness, I pictured Allie, lying in ing for tory I and confused, completely and totally unable to like me.
And as my eyes closed for time, I t to myself, O have I done?
I s and t recognize. One mac rate, rangely sooto never-land time and time again.
tors ed eyes as ts and adjusted ts, t ;Strokes could be serious,quot; t;especially for someone ; Grim faces ions - quot;loss of speec, paralysis.quot; Anot notation, anotrange macried not to ter instead concentrated on Allie, bringing a picture of o my mind o bring o mine, to make us one again. I tried to feel oucears knoo o alking and reading and walking.
t . t o be.
I drifted in and out of consciousness for days until anoto Allie spurred my body once again. I opened my eyes and sa motivated me furtruggled to press it, and a nurse arrived ty seconds later, folloely.
quot;Im ty,quot; I said h a raspy voice, and Dr. Barnwell smiled broadly.
quot;elcome back,quot; ;I kne.quot;
ter I am able to leave tal, though I am only half a man now.
If I side of my body is . tell me, is good neotal. Sometimes, it seems, I am surrounded by optimists.
t my me from using eit noo keep uprig left-rig as e, but rat, slow-shuffle.
I am an epic adventure no is slopace a turtle two weeks ago.
It is late ime fragrances t filter t open, and t c I am invigorated by temperature. Evelyn, one of to t sits by to close it. I stop s my decision. I later a ser is draped over my ss it as if I gently. S saring out t move for a long time, and I ask. Eventually I urns to leave, and as sops, leans forenderly, ter does. I am surprised by tly, quot;Its good to of us. e s just not t; S me and touches my face before she leaves.
I say noter I , talking to anotheir voices hushed.
tars are out tonigs are singing, and t everyt, I side can see me, trees, tyard, t till. In t looks like empty space, and I find t Im drao its mystery. I cion of clouds as to bounce off ter. A storm is coming, and in time turn silver, like dusk again.
Ligs t back. ivy on a cypress tree, tendrils and brancert ? I dont kno and table beside me is lit enougo see a picture of Allie, t one I framed years ago in t t last forever. I reac and incare at it for a long time, I cant . Sy-one aken, and siful. t to ask I knoure ans it aside.
tonig as I lay in tal. t tcorm clouds appear. Despite myself I am saddened by our plig t day ogether I never kissed her lips. Perhaps I never will again.
It is impossible to tell hings?
I finally stand and o my desk and turn on takes more effort t rained, so I do not return to t. I sit does looking at tures t sit on my desk. Family pictures, pictures of cions. Pictures of Allie and me. I to times I am.
I open a draied togettle and difficult to breaking. But s;I dont understand ; I s ignore me. And sometimes in t reverently, as if t of life itself.
omen.
Since to be a night of memories, I look for and find my wedding ring.
It is in top draissue. I cannot anymore because my knuckles are sissue and find it unc is po t no moment I ill yours, Allie, my queen, my timeless beauty. You are, and al;
I thing.
It is eleven-ty and I look for tter se me, trikes me. I find it it. I turn it over a couple of times before I open it, and remble. Finally I read:
Dear Noae tter by candlelig sounds of your slumber, I kno to you again as I always have.
And I , and your breato the wonderful man you are.
I see t reminds me of anot clotoget ured, roped by a sout, and I kne it o question a love t rode on sing stars and roared like cras is is is today.
I remember coming back to you t day, ted. I out of t you took it all a to me. quot; some coffee,quot; ogether.
Nor did you question me let me be. I dont kno easier for me. Later o traded our rings and made our vo more t, I knew I was foolish for ever considering someone else. I have never wavered since.
e oget it a lot noimes and see you ting on tar o te. Your clotained from ired, and time to relax, you smile and say, quot;t ; I find your love for our cing. quot;Youre a better fat; I tell you later, after ter, lose ourselves before o slip bets. I love you for many t beautiful in life. Love and poetry and faty and nature. And I am glad you augter for it. tell me o time t makes me feel like t ing, and you o me. My ions noimes ed because of sics, you ood my need for my oudio, my o on my clotimes on ture. I kno easy.
It takes a man to do t, Noao live . And you have.
For forty-five years now. onderful years.
You are my best friend as knoreasure eac as I reasured our life together.
You iful and strong. Kindness, ts s forgiving and peaceful man I kno be, for you are t to an angel t Ive ever met.
I kno me crazy for making us e our story before old you is time you knew.
e ime most couples never kno, it o us. I see your tears and I you t me, because I fear to express my sorro a loss for words.
So I love you so deeply, so incredibly muc I o come back to you despite my disease, I promise you t. And tory comes in. and lonely, read tory - just as you told it to t in some about us. And per pero be together again.
Please dont be angry remember you, and I love you, t I al no matter life possible. My life ter to read again, t I am ing for you no able to tell you. I love you deeply, my husband. You are, and always have been, my dream. Allie
ter, I put it aside. I rise from my desk and find my slippers. t sit to put tanding, I cross ted at t least I t is Janice. I must pass to get to Allies room, but at t supposed to leave my room, and Janice o bend the rules. her husband is a lawyer.
I to see if s s seem to be moving, and I groient.
I finally exit my room anyakes aeons to close tance, but for some reason s see me approaching.
I am a silent panthe jungle, I am as invisible as baby pigeons.
In t I am not surprised. I stand before her.
quot;Noa; s;;
quot;Im taking a ; I say. quot;I cant sleep.quot;
quot;You kno supposed to do t;
quot;I kno;
I dont move, termined.
quot;Youre not really going for a o see Allie.quot;
quot;Yes,quot; I answer.
quot;Noa time you saw nig;
quot;I remember.quot;
quot;t be doing t;
I dont ansly. Instead I say, quot;I miss ;
quot;I kno I cant let you see ;
quot;Its our anniversary,quot; I say. true. It is one year before gold. Forty-nine years today.
quot;I see.quot;
quot;t;
S, and er noimental type.
quot;Noa anot. Ive seen ruggle Ive never seen anyone like you do. No one around tors, not t.quot;
S a moment, and strangely, o fill ears. Sh her finger and goes on:
quot;I try to t its like for you, er day, but I cant even imagine it. I dont kno imes. Even tors dont understand it, s love, its as simple as t. Its t incredible t;
A lump , and I am speechless.
quot;But Noa supposed to do t let you. So go back to your room.quot; tly and sniffling and s;Me, Im going doairs for some coffee. I be back to c do anyt;
Soucoairs. S look back, and suddenly I am alone. I dont knoo t eaming, and once again I learn t the world.
I am time in years as I begin my trek to Allies room. I take steps tra t pace it is dangerous, for my legs ired already. I find I must touco keep from falling down.
Lig glotle. I not tonigime to stop on t forces blood teries. I feel myself becoming stronger ep. I I dont steps, and I keep going. I am a stranger no be stopped. A pation, and I pus be caug bandit, masked and fleeing on to in my saddlebags. I am young and strong , and I o paradise.
ho am I kidding?
I lead a simple life noo Allie and s and a man oo old to coo old to care.
is beating funny inside my c. I struggle takes t. t from ting t a passerby on a busy city street, forgotten forever.
, and ser a moment I see o one side, and imes. Sc is over betale and I somb.
I do not move, on t a minute, and I long to tell I stay quiet so I ten on t I will slide under says:
Love, in t and tender ive and very pure
Come morning lig-lit poo as ever sure.
I ter he door behind me.
Blackness descends and I cross ains, and tares back, large and full, the evening.
I turn to Allie and dream a t, I sit on e beneatly touc like poroke aken away.
I feel discovering t.
Sirs and opens ing softly, and I suddenly regret my fooliso cry and scream, for t s I feel an urge to attempt toward her, our faces drawing closer.
And range tingling I before, in all our years toget I do not pull back. And suddenly, a miracle, for I feel ten paradise, uncime, ageless like tars. I feel tongues meet, I alloo slip arong and fearless, and sly trace tline of ake en as sakes a breatly, quot;O;
Anotest of all! - and top tears as o slip to t moment, ttons on my s and slohem one by one.