MARtIN

    Can I explain o jump off top of a too jump off top of a to a bloody idiot. I can explain it because it  inexplicable: it  of proper t. It  even a very serious t, eit mean it  t it  terribly complicated, or agonized. Put it t knoant bank manager, in Guildford. And youd been ting, and ts a pretty straigill o t,  you? Youd at least o   of paper and dra of pros and cons. You knos, friends, golf club.

    PROS - more money, better quality of life (c.), sea, suns-isc.

    Its no contest, is it? ts give you pause for t, but ts all it is - a pause, and a brief one, too. Youd be on to travel agents en minutes.

    ell, t  enougs, and lots and   lots of reasons to jump. t  I couldnt imagine Cindy letting me see t got any aged parents, and I dont play golf. Suicide  o tended.

    I told o a Ney. I told ober.

    I dont knoations to Neies in October or not. Probably not. ( been to one since . June and Brian across t before they moved.

    And even ter o sleep.) But I couldnt  any longer. Id been t it since May or June, and I co tell upid, really.  understand, Im sure . tell me to keep talking to  you can see t not a to be itc any just goes to s I o look foro, doesnt it?

    t I told ed to go straigo confession. ell, Id lied,  I? Id lied to my oiny, silly lie: Id told  I o a party, a party Id made up.

    Id made it up properly, too. I told y it o go, and y, Bridgid from ted because er ters. And I ed to go because Bridgids sister aken o Lourdes, and I ed to find out all about it, o taking Matty one day.) But confession  possible, because I kne to an end. Not only to Matty, but to t t anyone else, really. Maybe someone at ts almost comical, . If you spend day and niger a sick ctle room for sin, and I  done anyt from t, to sinning so terribly t I couldnt even talk to t, because I o go on sinning and sinning until t t sin of all. (And  sin of all? All your life youre told t youll be going to to get you t quicker is somet stops you getting t all. O its a kind of queue-jumping. But if someone jumps t t Office, people tut. Or sometimes t. t say, You y. t  strong.) It didnt stop me from going to t I only kept going because   people opped.

    As  closer and closer to te, I kept passing on little tidbits of information t I told ended as t not everyone likes  knoty o understand anyt tic,  about a little get-togetime I saed to kno I never asked. If so y, sve felt t so invite me.

    Im as about to lying now.

    No, Im asic it all elling Matty about  it   alking about it,  actually saying anyto believe in ty a little bit myself, in t you come to believe tory in a book. Every noime Id leave. axi. t sort of t ually been. Even in my imagination, t see myself talking to anyone at ty. I e o leave it.

    I  a party doairs in t. It y, full of all t crusties sitting on tening to  reggae. At midnigically, and a couple of ot  - o you too. You could urned up to t party as t person in London, and youd still ed up to jump off t t t person in London anyway. Obviously.

    I only  because someone at college told me C . I tried ime, but it  on.

    split up, alker, but ts like an emotive alker, isnt it? I dont t stalking  pters and emails and knocking on turned up at imes, if you count mas party, ake me to t anyway.

    Stalking is ,   isnt it? ell, I never  near any s t alking ion is like being o just a fiver, eit to you o knock on e at nigo be in. People get serious about t sort of money. t collectors, and break peoples legs, but I never  t far. I sraint.

    So even traig  at ty, I stayed for a  o go on Ne from some s party in some s squat . I seem to manage it every year. I make friends easily enoug t muc sure wies disappear.

    I pissed Jen off, Im sure of t. She disappeared, like everyone else.

    MARtIN  Id spent ts on ternet, just out of curiosity. And nearly every single time, took urbed. And tory about tard:  friend,  er  some months before… hello, Mr Coroner?

    Anyone at  turbed mental balance  it just rigil you cant take any more, and ts off to t multi-storey car park in tcubing.

    Surely ts fair enoug sook er sober and careful contemplation of t had become?

    Not once did I read a ne rolley. You knoer United for Miss Sor in ts to  novel  been bougeven Spielberg. ables by a member of aff. No like t, but if talented people took to t t saying t being engaged to Miss Sed and es you against depression - Im sure it doesnt. Im just saying t t tatistics. Youre more likely to top yourself if youve just gone titute. Or if youve foug somebody… ts and lots of factors t pusors are likely to make you feel anyt fucking miserable.

    tin S ting on a tiny concrete ledge in t, looking a  do a concrete ered into tiny pieces. But tin S person. I still ill  slept een-year-old. I  been to prison. I  o talk to my young daug a front-page tabloid neicle, an article rated ure of me lying on t outside a ! per is fair to say, less reason for ledge-sitting before all t  tell me t turbed, because it really didnt feel t  mean, any stuff about t strictly scientific? Does t of fiso ing to kill myself e and reasonable response to a e events t  t ts rouble ry, isnt it? No ones o face ties. Its al. Boo-o be one of t  on o do een-year-old. I o believe t I -fed or not, and it ime to face up to w Id done.

    And erally. ell, OK, not literally literally. I , you knourned my life into urine and stored it in my bladder and so on and so fort I felt as if Id pissed my life a you can piss money a. No, you see, ts not rig as you kno at all. Id spent it. Id spent my kids and my job and my eenage girls and nig a price, and Id , and   suddenly my life  t  as to a dim form of consciousness and a semi-functioning digestive system - all tions of a life, certainly, but none of tent. I didnt even feel sad, particularly. I just felt very stupid, and very angry.

    Im not sitting ting  nigurned into as muc even jump off a fucking to fucking it up.

    On Ne to pay extra for t, but I didnt mind. ty o cost t more ting me. I  of his life.

    I t about tys stuff, in case t it  no one o kno  t cry o fetc eleven t morning. I just kissed op of old o be good at t all in until Id seen t and , for about an  ill my son, and I o see  even say goodbye properly. I celevision for a .

    I ed at top for ten minutes, but to walk.

    Kno you  to die makes you less scared. I   e at nigreets are full of drunks, but  matter no being attacked but not murdered - left for dead  actually dying. Because taken to al, and t  Matty, and all te e of time, and Id come out of al oo find t? But no one attacked me. A couple of people   all. t so muco be afraid of out t ime to find t out, on t nig t of it being afraid of   everything.

    Id never been to toppers  been past it on t even kno you could get on to t t airs until I couldnt  kno occur to me t you couldnt just jump off , but t I sa I realized t t let you do t. t top… s  tall, and Im not very strong, and Im not as young as I  see o get over top of it all, and it o be t nigty being in tarted to go tions, but none of t  to do it in my o room, o be found by a stranger. And I didnt  to jump in front of a train, because Id seen a programme on television about t t  drive off to a quiet spot and breat fumes… And tin, rigc a little stepladder, and some ters, and o climb over top like t. And  sitting on t, looking doaking nips out of a little ed. And ed and ed until in t  any more. I kno  I needed it. It  going to be muco him.

    I never tried to pus beefy enougo pus ried any  ; it o . I just  up to  my apped ed to ask o be long.

    Before I got to t, I never ention of going on to tly. Id forgotten about toppers il I started speaking to t really saying muc ty and up. old me  , Does t mean everyone else  , like, No, t bloke over tal Mike. And t one over t one over turd. And so on, until he room he knew.

    But ten minutes I spent talking to Bong made ory. ell, not ory like  bc or . Not orical ory, unless one of us goes on to invent a time macops Britain from being invaded by Al-Qaida or somet ed cting me up I  about to go in .

    ,  me and , Youre not t, Not oner-brain. And , Because I can see tion in your eyes. I  time, so looking back on it, Im pretty sure t  , O, Yea on suicide co look out for people o go upstairs. And I  you? toppers hemselves.

    And I  if  said t. Everyt to go  imagine  imagine ed C  me, and I suddenly realized t easily t to do  laug : I ed to make my life s, and I  a party in toppers oo muc  ing t all God o say to me  I didnt blame him.

    else ell me?

    I could feel t of everyt of loneliness, of everyt   feop of t weigh me.

    Jumping felt like to get rid of it, to make it ead of against me; I felt so  I knereet in no time. Id beat tower-block.

    MARtIN  If s tried to kill me, Id be dead, no question. But  a preservation instinct,  rying to kill ourselves  I felt turned round and grabbed tarted yelling. I aking nips out of t, as  going to take tepladder on t rip  of vocabulary. If Id kno oned it do, probably, but I didnt; I t even  youd o admit it uation.

    I stood up and turned round carefully, because I didnt  to fall off until I co, and I started yelling at  stared.

    I know you, she said.

    o me in restaurants and sres and garages and urinals all over Britain and say, I knoe; t kno Ive seen you on telly. And t an autograp about  nig  expecting it. It all seemed a bit beside t, t side of life.

    From television.

    Os sake. I  to kill myself, but never mind, time for an autograp a pen? Or a bit of paper? And before you ask, s bitc anyt are you doing up o jump too. I ed to borrow your ladder.

    ts o: ladders. ell, not ladders literally; t peace process doesnt come doo ladders, and nor do ts. But one tervie you can reduce t enormous topics doo tiniest parts, as if life ribute o a faulty catc locked in for a nigage describe ors ed by t card  in .

    You  to talk about big t its tc give you t t knoart. Not if youre ing Rise and Sin you dont, any talk about ed our brains to spill out onto te like a McDonalds milk salked about tead. Be my guest.

    Ill  until… ell, Ill .

    So youre just going to stand tc. Youll be ing to do it on your own, Id imagine.

    Youd imagine right.

    Ill go over tured to t on t s.

    Come on. t  a bad gag. In tances.

    I suppose Im not in the mood, Mr Sharp.

    I dont trying to be funny, but o t do turned around and loo t I couldnt concentrate. t ration does a man need to top of a   place; I understood y ty of attempting to resume life dohe ground.

    But tion racted me, pulled me back out into to t get t  as Cindy and I arting to make love. I  cill kne Id o do it some time.

    Its just t I kne going to be able to do it in t five minutes.  I sed at Maureen.

    Oi! Do you  to s just about anything I said would be hilarious.

    Maureen came out of tiously.

    I  to be on my ooo, she said.

    You  ty minutes. t my spot back.

    o get back over t t of t.

    tepladder really only  enougo open it out.

    Youll o .  do you mean? You  over top to me. Ill put it flus t steady from t side.

    Id never be able to keep it in place. Youre too heavy.

    And soo lig s at all; I o kill   to die a long and painful deather.

    So youll o put up h me being here.

    I  sure t I ed to climb over to t a boundary no to tairs from treet from tairs, and from treet you could get to Cindy, and t  in a gale. t safe.

    tion and sion and s to feel if you ting on a ledge, on your own, on New Years Eve.

    you so t you? Its my ladder.

    Youre not mucleman.

    No, Im fucking not. ts one of t. Dont you read t times.

    So  me? You used to be on tV.

    ts it? I t for a moment. ere you married to someone in Abba? No.

    Or another singer? No.

    O.

    Musudio, and o taste, and you said, quot;Mmmm, I love mus t; as t you? It mig ts all you can dredge up? Yes.

    So o kill myself? Ive no idea.

    Youre pissing me around.

    ould you mind c offensive.

    Im sorry.

    But I couldnt believe it. I couldnt believe Id found someone  to prison, I used to abloid scum ing outside t door. I ings s and managers and tV executives. It seemed impossible t tain uninterested in  seemed to matter. Maybe Maureen lived on t. It o lose touchere.

    about your belt? S my . As far as Maureen  fes on eart  to spend talking about my passion for musured for ted to get on hings.

    about it? take your belt off and put it round t your side of the railings.

    I sa it

    couple of minutes  off, passed it around bot tig up, gave it a so c  to die falling back, placed ts original position.

    And I  about to let Maureen jump in peace  us.

    I s  ake. I mean, t ake if to kill myself. I could  ly and calmly, to tin  t I didnt. I yelled somet of t  t point, to me, anyin rugby-tackled me before I got  of kneeled on me and ground my face into t sort of gritty fake-tarmac stuff t on tops of buildings. t to be dead.

    I didnt kno in. I never sail , and t sa. But I kne I got to t o be like a genius to  out. So , So o kill yourselves and Im not?

    And oo young. eve fucked our lives up. You , yet. And I said, ? And  your age. And I en people?

    Including my parents and, I dont kno ed to see ,  you? Id get on a plane to Brazil if I  to pay for  up.

    MARtIN  My first t, after Id brougo t I didnt  Maureen sneaking off on  o do rying to save  age of my distraction and jumped. O makes muces before, Id been practically us I didnt see

    see ed it all tives ially selfisell you.

    After Jess and I ic conversation about s of people, I sed at Maureen to come and ened, and to us.

    Get a bloody move on.

    do you  me to do? Sit on her.

    Maureen sat on Jesss arse, and I knelt on her arms.

    Just let me go, you old bastard pervert. Youre getting a t of t you? ell, obviously t stung a bit, given recent events. I t for a moment Jess mig even Im not t paranoid.