quot;, my motaugalisman, error, I, so young, so s voices and sounded ttes ops of lonely November buses. So many, many people.

    quot;My moture tory, straining, constipated. t once seem small, patic, manageable.  And so me a great, universal trut levellers.

    quot;Seetake off  slippers, in t t from betive finger. But s al, yet al, .quot;

    to summon a er, ceased in meditation for a moment. Only ted s.

    Petals dropped from a red rose in a silver boo table , faint, exed sound, as of a pigeons fart. t as t t, like t came betive.

    quot;I  in ty-teen reacurity! -- cooped up in a meagre d above my fatable. A; s;en I lay a niged by tle !quot;

    Again ss recollection; tive.

    quot;By tragic paradox, so croo-ing and fro-ing, t my isolation otal. I entative, unable to grasp t of myself as an entity, a personality.

    quot;I roverted to t of extinction, and in t great, surging melee of y -- my family -- only beroverted to t of sion dretention to oneself.

    quot;I remember  er: one forgets, one forgets -- plunged tle bare feet in time soup one nigo bring to my parents attention  s. Or s;

    t again in passionate regret: quot;t detail -- one forgets it! One forgets it!quot; But soon sive.

    quot;Poor little felloo time soup, t -- I remember, time soup. And table, so many, many faces. And suc many a time, my small stomac to scoop up a little of Dapples steaming mash on my fingers, for myself.

    quot;Indeed, t it, for many years my moter  of all our names (togetive notes) seo t, scrupulously referred to me by my baptismal name il o tcallied ailed caking off .

    quot;Jason, cigarettes.quot;

    t , leapt into darkness; came ter. tip of tte gloraffic-ligOP -- and tals on anotrembled but did not fall.

    quot;Forced into myself, I became bookiso ttle of ink, laboriously added steel-rimmed spectacles to te beside my name in ory. Cy spectacles. I was so ashamed.

    quot;But I o me t I carried t to my , beneaty vest from t above t, for  eacumn.

    quot;My mind gre my isolation increased. I could not communicate my love, my able lust for t, tellect, s -- nor, indeed, eaced. t my eyes, teeth.

    quot; teettering lig a penny candle? Or a s -- one forgets.quot;

    Again tive.

    quot;Life  on. t peonies of trual flos gretle soft curls.

    quot;I stared at my reflection in Dapples trougook off my spectacles and pulled te face and topknot and I iful woman w know.

    quot;Jason, t;

    , fair, delicate -- struck matcicks sprang to life.

    ed mask of beauty. Eyes bluer tained lids, precise discs of scarlet on e c s of iara. And te breasts, exposed to t fell away from highs.

    Siful as Venus rising from ted picture by Botticelli, only more so. Siful as ted bust of Nefertiti in tiful as tatue of ted Mic gazes on traffic of Milan y, only more so.

    Sloe in tray on tive.

    quot;At fifteen, I  y on ting pond, in a canoe, at ed about Plato, ion in ter.

    quot;rated on my reflection, I  lovely being. Je suis un autre. Dizzied, drunk on t a personality urned from to make some brilliant point to my companion -- and my ne, stammered: ten years old again.

    quot;I ran, stumbling, back to table, to ily into Dapples reets ato peelings t so enricurning, saw me.

    quot; Susan, sea c and came close to me, so close t I could count trils. her rheumy eyes filled, overflowed.

    quot; But you be not my Susan! s live to be as old as you! And s, selfisears on Dapples tail, for my mot last recognised my true identity and I perceived a glimmer of hope.

    quot;Jason, my knee.quot;

    at once and began to massage ing a momentary s of ache and imperial.

    quot; Mot  remark I remember addressing to ed; tasted wh.

    quot;S me tfully, rolling a corner of o a probe and cleaning ing my life.

    quot; If you picture tory, constipated, straining, toffee-nosed bastards ic, she said.

    quot; t LEVELLERS.

    quot;It ion. I rus into to return, repeating them.

    quot;Jason, ter!quot;

    ed trumpet. t last alloself to collapse, almost y of muffled applause. ty ense t it seemed to y of a deformity, so far  from tled one anot mumbling.

    As if recollecting vague, soft, fragrant, long-ago to o t;Atocks of great men. You can stop massaging.quot;

    anotte at t seeteel-rimmed spectacles over  table wals pooled redly.

    quot;Jason,quot; s; me? Jason?quot;

    ed, toes of  curling and uncurling in t.

    quot;Jason?quot; more urgently.

    quot;And do you look patic on tory, mot;

    tte fell from nerveless fingers; s not a sound came out. So t and lay tree felled, motionless.

    t to to t.