Come back here, I said.

    I dont give a fuck, you know, so me.

    And ts t ts   t nigs. It  t  s  t it felt like s do o do, at any given moment, and if sed to jump off a building to see  felt like, try it. And once youd  out, t  a question of how much you cared.

    But you dont need our  knoart looking for Che only one who can find him.

    Yea I get s sort of how I ended up here.

    do you tin to t of us.

    Im not going any change my mind.

    Fine. e  ask you to.

    Because theyll come looking for me.

    e home.

    So o do if t find you? t Matty somewerrible.

    tty in helplessly.

    Is it tin. Is t ed, but I could see wion.

    I only paid for one night, said Maureen.

    t? Yes, of course. tion t s not seemed to make tle pissed. Pissed off. ever.

    So pell taying two.

    Maureen looked at o do up in laughed, kind of.

    ell, is there? said Jess.

    Notin. Apart from the obvious.

    O, said Jess. Forget it. ts gone. I can tell. So  to find someto do.

    So even if youre rig o do anytoget  old you.

    know you  give muc  on your own.

    So you dont feel like a bond kind of t hrough.

    Nope.

    You ill being friends w a vision shared by all.

    MAUREEN  I didnt like it t tig  anyto do  so I paid for one nigo pay, but I  be around to know.

    t understand, I could tell. I mean, tand t I  understand t. t it ty  in a home somewhere.

    So  put  die?   t just goes to s t understand me, or Matty, or Fat t way.

    tin and JJ and Jess, t from anyone I knoelevision, tEnders and t to say straig saying t. t ty if  y. t  say, s t at t, and maybe t, but t me, and I didnt knoell t.

    t me, but I ly, because t so  I o say, t see the difference.

    Because it seems to me t you o live a life you can stand if youre like t.

    So I didnt knoo say ed to die. ts s y t Id made up. But too, isnt t, you fool. Please stop me. Please o ts to live, t missing, maybe. to say, I am entitled to somet muc somet  quite enougs e enougo stop me.

    ell? said Martin. Are you prepared to  until tomorroell t ts too late to call them.

    ty. Give me tiny little mobile telep of  and turned it on. It started ringing, and ton and put to ening to a message, I suppose.

    Someone loves you, said Jess, but he ignored her.

    I ten dotle note. I fis out of my pocket, but I couldnt read it in the dark.

    Give it in.

    ell, I  tle note, my letter, and I didnt  anyone reading it  kno, and before I kne, Martin c from me.

    O, . I could feel myself bluse? Cool. Read it out, said Jess. Mine are crap, but I bet hers is worse.

    Yours are crap? said JJ. Meaning, t, ing te c it.

    t  t say anyt though.

    ? said Jess.

    I imagine t most of us  ten tin.

    I keep c. Its a big decision.

    One of t, Martin said. Certainly in top ten. imes seemed to be joking  joking when he was.

    Any be reading t. ing at it to read tapped t. And a feer it old tty aying for anot . t, it o be asking any more questions. If Id p long explanation for o  up monto get Matty out a few er.

    So, said JJ. Maureens OK. t just leaves you, Martin. You wanna join in?   ell, win said.

    I dunno, said Jess. Some party some depends on?

    ry and get a cab to go somein.

    knoh London, Jess said.

    Good, said Martin. And ell t, instead of killing ourselves, o come doever   muc it ry and make it work.

    Give me your mobile and Ill make some calls, said Jess.

    So Martin gave  to ted to be told where we were going.

    I knoerstones and c television ttes.

    Youre t serious. ed a tabloid pograpo capture e unquote cry for  AKES t. And I can understand , my friends. I climb a stairo  some party, I s?

    First of all, Ill  I scored very .

    Becks Suicide Intent Scale. Ill bet you didnt even kno somety-one out of ty points, h, as you can imagine.

    Yes, suicide emplated for more to ttempt. Yes, I ain of deattention: its fifteen storeys oppers  anyten  for you pretty ime. Yes, tive preparation   for ttempt: ladder, ters and so on. s, he scores.

    tions  s are t t. Beck calls isolation and timing. No one near by in visual or vocal contact gets you top marks, as does Intervention  argue t as  in Nort popular suicide nigervention  inevitable; I er by saying t  being dim. Dim or grotesquely self-absorbed, take your pick.

    And yet, of course, if it  been for teeming t be around today, so maybe old Beck is bang on t ing on anyone to rescue us, but once arted bumping into eacainly a collective desire - a desire born more t of embarrassment - to s least for t. Not one of us descended tairs o t life iful and precious tly more miserable on tion  available to us, at least for t. And t of ement up on t of independent state, -level laws no longer applied.

    Even t o climb tairs. And no it didnt feel like o make us feel t t anyt money, or class, or education, or age, or cultural interests - t ion, suddenly, in t couple of ime being ed only to be riots. I  even kno me t five years of our marriage. Maureen kne I  meant s important t me; Cindy al</bdo>

    It  it? I can even see tURNED! And tory about o settle doer sc actresses  enlargements.

    Yea. Dream on.

    JJo find out  ty, and trying to figure out en to at t exact moment, if I o t came to mind , maybe because it  and silly, and reminded me of a time in life  arted le more sense. It  today and it  tomorro  last year and it  next year, and any made up our minds wal souls were headed.

    Jess spent ten minutes talking to sources close to C guess t  a party in Sceen fligairs, tink of piss, and to treet, o salked enougold us  was, and where.

    It essa and t lot.

    Ain. t lot.

    And Alfie and tabiturdays. And Acid-e and t of the whole graphic design crew.

    Martin groaned; Maureen looked seasick.

    A young African guy driving a sty old Ford pulled up alongside us.

    he passenger window and leaned over.

    ch.

    ty pounds.

    Fuck off, said Jess.

    S up, said Martin, and got in t seat. My treat, he said.

    t of us got in the back.

    he driver.

    None of us said anything.

    Party? said the driver.

    Do you kno all? Martin asked o run into him. Should be jolly.

    quot;Jollyquot;, Jess snorted. osser? If you o joke around o give y of advance warning.

    It y in t tons of people around, in cars and cabs and on foot. Everyone seemed to be in a group. Sometimes people o us; Jess always waved back.

    you? Jess said to t? Or are you gonna go and oute la nuit, said t.

    Bad luck, said Jess.

    thlessly.

    Yes. Bad luck.

    Does your missus mind? Sorry? Your missus. La femme. Does s you  no in the place where is she.

    Anyone ional antenna could  turn real dark. Anyone  t tory, and t tory,  o get us into ty mood. Anyone opped righere.

    Ooo. Bigmoutrikes again.

    Not bad. Dead. , like  correcting  of fact - as if in  people got confused.

    Oh.

    Yes. Bad men kill her.

    Oh.

    Yes. In my country.

    Right.

    And rigo stop: exactly at t  a million bucks t our ts all contained, someions:  we seen here? Or had he been up and come down, like us?

    ould old roubles? urned out to be so fucking… dogged?

    to o know us.

    Maureen didnt  to come in  o a room t  to a Ne since Ive been  une in NYC, une plus anoty per cent in London. It ill packed, even at four in t  favorite people: fucking art students. I mean, Jess  it still came as a ss, and moustacs of tattoos and plastic s  Buso bomb Iraq, and I like a toke as muc guy, but till fill my  ly because I kno o in front of a croo ime. t like real music, t like temptations or ts; tupid fucking bleeps. Or else tend t tas, and listen to  hos and guns.

    So I -go. I  I o get into a fig t fig: Id be defending eitin or Maureen from tee, or some ac it never  Martin in  and an, and   Maureen in  and sensible s in. traig t there.

    Martin and V  Underground. Me, I s, a leat and an old Gitanes t-s, and I felt like a fucking freak.

    t t made me t o break someones nose. Martin anding traig of a bottle, and tarted staring at him.

    Martin S telly! I y, and it  occurred to me t o a party ins face is like o a party naked: even arts students tend to take notice. But ted traigion.

    Oh, yeah! Good call! his buddy said.

    Oi, Sin smiled at tly.

    People must say t to you all time, one of them said.

    ? You know. Oi, S.

    ell, yes, said Martin. they do.

    Bad luck, tV, you end up looking like t cunt.

    Martin gave t-can-you-do surned back to me.

    You OK? ts life,  me. o give an old clich.

    Maureen, mean ty-goers as if s Diane Arbus pos projected fifty feet wide on an Imax screen.

    You  a drink? heres Jess? Looking for Chas.

    And then can we go? Sure.

    Good. Im not enjoying myself here.

    Me neither.

    ? I dont know.

    But ogets t? Until his guy.

    I  find  for a while. Id like a sherry, please, if you can find one.

    You kno sure to be too muc look like so me.

    e ? I found a couple paper cups, and a bottle  in it.

    Cheers.

    Cheers.

    Every Nee y full of jerks. And t.

    ime last year? I  a party at h Lizzie, my ex.

    Nice? It y.

    Righink, a year ago...

    Yes, she said quickly. Oh, yes.

    Rig really knoche jerks.

    It cant be  rooms. Even people y  ation toilet, except t even a separate gents. t a little ing toilet from t of it, so even to go, I couldnt; anyone mig I  need to spell out  all o say t a bad smell is just a germ gas;   t anyone could use toilet anyo find it, someone  to smell toilet (ed in all sorts of different   of ed  party and  kind of people t I t people like t oilet, I mig the lid.

    anding tears, and t of ty tle space around us. Some boy old  C at ty, some girl. Jess ed us all to go round to trying to persuade  it  a good idea.

    Its OK, Jess said. I knoanding. S didnt kno me and Chas.

    if she did know? said JJ.

    ell, said Jess. In t case I couldnt let it go, could I?  does t mean? I  kill  t mad. But I would o  her.

    Maybe cut tle.

    I didnt t over it.

    I felt almost as sorry for  make it easy for  its not called t any more, over in t maco our table and asked Frank to take me ed to put any money in t, and to make a fair bit of money from t mac nights.

    I nearly did aainly considered it. But I t I could ride it out, I t t get better. Imagine trouble I could ty, but of course I didnt kno then.

    I didnt take any notice of t cutting people.

    I came up  of utter nonsense  Frank o move a   me. None of it rue. Frank  man e enoug muco make up some bigger ones.

    ere you engaged? I asked Jess, and t.

    Engaged? Jess said. Engaged?  is t;Ooo my trut; quot;Oy Knob;  S part in a silly voice, but you could probably .

    People do still get engaged, Martin said. Its not a stupid question.

    engaged? I did, I said. But I said it too quietly, because I was scared of  again.

    You did? Really? OK, but  engaged? Im not interested in people out of t interested in people s and ed to ask w s we sead of s I was learning my lesson.

    Anyo? I didnt  any of t didnt seem fair t t ried to help.

    Did you s you did. ? Doggy style? So  o look at you? And tin grabbed o treet.

    JESS  in pulled me outside, I did t to become a different person. Its somet like it.

    Doesnt everybody,  of control? You knoo yourself, OK, Im a booky person, so t some books from t of  makes you feel different. If you borroerests or t t can give you a bit of a rest from yourself, I find.

    It ime to feel different. I dont knouff to Maureen; I dont kno I couldnt stop myself. I get angry, and arts its like being sick. I puke and puke over someone and I cant stop until Im empty. Im glad Martin pulled me outside. I needed stopping. I need stopping a lot. So I told myself t from t point on I o be more a person out of t to s; I s to ask yle.

    Martin  spare at me, told me I c, and asked me  said, Yes, sir, and, No, sir, and, Very sorry, sir, and I looked at t, not at  to ssied, ouc ts told  I o stop being me, and t no one  knoo say to t. I didnt  to get sick of me. People do get sick of me, Ive noticed.

    C sick of me, for example. And I really need t not to   too mucoo strong too quickly, and  scared. Like t tate Modern? t ely a mistake. Because tuff is all ense and so on, but just because tuff is all ense, t s  t I  all ense. t e beed until  outside and finis tures and installations before I  off on one. I t sick of me, too.

    Also, t migra e beoo. Or maybe t inappropriate, because ion some time, but t rigime (s C nig I  really mature enougo be a mot by yelling my   of proved it for him.

    So anyin  mental at me for a o sured. s   sand enoug.  I understood  it  and anding outside a party full of people  kno someone else  knoting on a roof t killing ed uation I o live. I  over and put my  me as if I ation and   of some description - not a romantic Ross-and-Racype moment (as if), but a Moment of Sanding. But terrupted, and t passed.

    JJ  I  to tell you about my old band - I guess because Id started to t tarted out being called Big Pink, as a tribute to t t ed te toget up until t  like t any more. And Billy , and… s, you could care less, rigo kno no one else ever o , before my time - tones, t no one Ive ever seen . I  bullsting you, but youll o take my : on our   good nig em out ty miles aill like our albums, but it  people remember; some bands just go out and play ttle louder and faster, but o speed em up and sloo play covers of t o oo, and our so mean someto people, in a  s any more.  ecostal service; instead of applause and ears and teetongues. e saved souls. If you love rocknroll, all of it, from, I dont knoe Stripes, ted to quit your job and come and live inside our amps until your ears fell off. t t a figure of speech.

    I o e, and Id read tell t people felt t otoo, and t  t be fans, rig I could tell from reading t our guys  of our s, and t. Its just t t enoughem, I guess.

    Anyway.

    Maureen felt faint after Jess cut loose on her, and who could blame her?

    Jesus. I  dooo if Jess ever cut loose on me, and Ive been around times. I took side on to a little roof terrace t looked like it never got t any time of t table and a grill out ttle grills are everyo me to represent triumpance, seeing as all you can do is peer at t tting at table, but  feeling too good t up and  back inside, and  doo get er, but s  anyt sat t to tually  t tacrying to attract our attention.

    Excuse me, he whispered as loudly as he dared.

    You alk to us, you come here.

    I cant come into t.

    ter migry to kill me.

    t here.

    tters everywhere.

    Like God, I said.

    I o terrace and crouc to him.

    how can I help you? You American? Yes.

    Oell you t to kno ten, can you cy and see if tters gone?  does  se saold me to  il s out  like quot;once upon a timequot;. Just once. But I stopped because s.

    Youre C you? ? Im a friend of Jesss.

    Oo  and started looking for o escape over t one point I t o try running up it, like a squirrel.

    S, . ill you  you to come and talk to tle c would help calm her down.

    C e laug, o calming Jess doranquilizers le c.

    You kno, dont you? I didnt kno, C? Ive been too scared. I cant make t mistake again. I cant ing at me in t mind, you knoter t y-time youre sixty, you dont feel like it anyy years. Less. I can live . omen are fucking maniacs, man.

    You dont  to t like t, man. Youve just had some bad luck.

    I said t  to say, not because my experience told me anyt. It  true t   - just t I   h.

    Listen. If you came outside and tle c,  t could ried to kill me ted once. Plus, Im banned from two galleries and a cinema. Plus, Ive had an official warning from...

    OK, OK. So youre saying t t could  deato you, my friend, t its better to die like a man th grills like a mouse.

    Maureen ood up and come to join us in our dark barbecue corner.

    Id try to kill you, if I ly t it imidity in the voice.

    trouble wherever you look.

    a? Get a? I didnt do anything.

    I t you said you  say t in so many  you said you   you slept h her.

    ell,  I didnt know shen.

    So once you find out t ts when you run away.

    I o run away. Sime.

    And  your business? I dont like to see people upset.

    about me? Im upset. My life is a shambles.

    No t  suc to use oppers ion, the Kings and Queens of Shambles.

    Crying to decide wo give up on fucking life.

    You o talk to her. said Maureen.

    Fuck off, said Chen, womp! Maureen popped him as hard as she could.

    I cant tell you imes Id c a party or after a s me, alto violence, and  of calm and clarity. And OK, Maureen tle old lady, but cake a swing really broug all back home.