Maureen: s more guts than I had.

    Suck around to find out  o live t kno sty came along, sed around for ty years to see  of feeling in t slap, and I could imagine ting someone pretty oo. t

    intend ever to be her age.

    Frank is Mattys fats funny to t mig be immediately obvious to someone, because its so obvious to me. I only ever ercourse ercourse  one man once, and time in my entire life I ercourse produced Matty.

    are ten million? I dont kno of course even one in ten million means t t of s not en million. You dont ts a lot of people.

    Ive come to realize, over t ected from bad luck t doesnt seem fair, ercourse only t alk or even recognize me… ell, fairness doesnt really o do , does it? You only o ercourse to produce a c say, You can only ty if youre married, or if you s of ots of different men. t, even t tty, you cant  feel, ts it! ts all my bad luck, a  Im not sure luck . Matty  stop me from getting breast cancer, or from being mugged. Youd t . In a han he could have provided.

    And any believe in luck as muc. ere good at believing in punis;  in t t is Matty. It migo pay, but to mean somet ts  t I got. For a long time I eful, because it felt to me as to be able to redeem myself o be made after no so sure. If to pay for a sin is so  you end up ing to kill yourself and committing an even hen Someones done his sums wrong. Someones overcharging.

    I  anyone before, not in ten ed to. But t nig. I  felt as if it didnt matter il I  back to top of toppers   time I   realized t I  of  made me  to slap  because I could, but I didnt. t so strong - and t on all fours covering h his hands.

    Im sorry, Chas said.

    For w? JJ asked him.

    Im not sure, ever.

    I old him.

    Im sorry, he said again.

    It s. Its a o do, to ercourse hen disappear.

    I can see t now.

    Can you? I think so.

    You cant see anyt you get up? I dont really  to be slapped again.

    Is it fair to say t youre not t man in the world? JJ asked him.

    ts of different  I dont set mucore by ps fair. Its overrated, I think.

    ell, you knoo s your y, man. You  slap , and C to . It range feeling, ching because of me.

    Not muc? said JJ.

    No. But I dont really see ternatives.

    talking to Jess? O ime. Seriously. Im already ting, you knoo someone elses back yard? Maybe somew of grass? No, Co Mancer.

    Listen, JJ said. I knoo e. ouldnt you rat ties? But o say? Maybe . toget mig her off your back.

    Like  shed marry you if you asked her.

    As just… I  kidding around, Cen up, man.

    t, like, ligimes. times.

    Dark times indeed.  o Mancer, and living under a grill and tohing.

    Yeah.

    JJ shook his head.

    OK. So ell s going to get you out of to say, as if or and we were in a soap.

    Im not averse to  DIY every noed   tencils and everytV cameras tion company paid for every last drop of Day-Glo paint, but t doesnt make it any less of an ac.) Any t sometimes you come across  are too big for filler, especially in t o do it is to bung tcs of sponge, o   nig of sponge t plugged a gap. te of time and energy, a banal little sides it absorbed us, got us doening to erous speecs value. I could also see t o need a lot more bits of sponge over ths.

    Maybe ts  too big a gap to be plugged by filler, so  our een-year-olds, o fill it up.

    of ty and on to treet. rying to sound co bump into Jess at some point during t ion undid o convey o make eye contact. ty gangster caug of ely trying to suck up in order to save his skin.

    you talk to me? Yea. I kne to kno. And Ive been t it. Ive been t it very ually, because, you knos… Im not  it. Its s a weakness in me.

    Dont overdo it, man, said JJ. ttempt on anyones part to pretend t to bear any resemblance to a real conversation.

    No. Rig of all I s  happen again.

    And second of all: I find you very attractive, and stimulating company, and… time JJ just cougentatiously.

    … And, s not me, its you. s not you, its me.

    At t point, just as rying to remember  my eye.

    elly. Martin thing.

    It is him, said Jess.

    s a long story, I said.

    e  up on toppers o tory considerably ser, and, to be fair, leaving out very fe points.

    Cion almost visibly, like snakes so ttractive aspects to y, but quickness of intelligence  one of t girl you s and everything? he asked finally.

    you ask Jess  t more relevant? S up, said Jess. ts private.

    Ouff isnt? No, s any more. Everyone kno it.

    s Penny C  o talk about, Cly.

    No. Rigs just a bit distracting, elly standing there.

    Do you  me to leave? No, said Jess quickly. I  you here.

    I   youd be ype, said Coo old. Plus, . o s none of us - none of t expect me to laug my oely amused.

    O. Its like t, is it? And suddenly, yes, it ly like t: han   him, in every way.

    And even Jess sa.

    Youre tosser, so do h you.

    Fuck off out of my sigraigoe into tiest part of toon cers.

    And t he end of Chas.

    JESS  oppers  to be  knoil t nig I suddenly realized it just by looking at Chass face.

    t. It  ty-t anyt from  t E from, or felt anyt from off   gave  stupid joke about Martin and expected us to laugely lost in t of t laug frigroubled eyes - tickle it. Id noticed  ill see opped to t. And you can say t o kill yourself is a co, and you can say t none of us o  to do it. But you cant say t  feel it, because  ant t t was like unless oo.

    Because ts  mean  mean t someto us s of ot from e   to say t Maureen and I s and listened to brass bands or  kno in common  girl is t  kno until C t Martin being a cunt.

    t  Cold me anyt ed me,  planet - and it  ill oion, I t, but so w?

    good  going to do me? It   cs going to  tcc miles a   arms in t made me scared t I o be itc  t. I kne Martin  ed o  even ried anyt .  of did te; he held me all funny, as if I was covered in barbed wire.

    Im sorry, I . Im sorry t little sbag called you names. And   my fault, but I told  of course it  me  o experience trauma of being called a cunt on Ne a lot.

    (tually true. Ive knorangers, call  about fifteen times, a prick about ten times, a  tely imes. Also: tosser, berk, , shead and pillock.) Nobody likes him, which is weird, because hes famous. how can you be famous if nobody likes you?

    Martin says its noto do een-year-old t if anyt got sligter after t, because t ly t of people ead of sing out names, ted out t in tcetera. In terms of personal abuse, alt in terms of ionsy, going to prison actually did  all sorts of people seem to be famous even tony Blair is a good example. And all t breakfast tV programmes and quiz s of money, it seems to me, is because strangers yell terrible  treet. Even a traffic  get called a cunt o being Martin is tations to film premieres and dodgy nightclubs.

    And ts o trouble.

    t some ts I in and I  t get us any o go.

    I oo muco let t end - as if  large in Ocean, and o someones flat for spliffs and a c,  yours is tasty, Martin. Ill bet youve got Jacuzzis and all sorts. tll do. And Martin said, No,  go t t  t oo fat to go in one or anyt fat, Martin. oo vain to be fat.

    So I said, ell, never mind, as long as youve got a kettle and some Corn Flakes. And , I , so I o   in a funny  mig and I said, , Nobody. And I said, Is t Mr Nobody or maybe Miss Nobody? And  nobody. So I ed to kno to invite us back, and , Because I dont know you.

    And I said, Yea kno fifteen-year-old. And ts go to mine. ?

    And so we did.

    JJ  I kno  to tell you trution t if  to breakfast time, t up due to musical differences. Breakfast time   to a ne, but I really didnt  to be seen in daylig I mean - especially  breakfast and dayligill a couple of  felt to me like I  to go o Martins place. to do anytill didnt trust myself to spend too mucime on my own.

    Martin lived in a little villagey part of Islington, rigony Blairs old  times, as Martin o  steps to -door bells, so I could tell it  all  I couldnt o live there.

    Before  urned around.

    Listen,  say anytened.

    I dont hing, said Jess.

    No, I didnt mean t sort of listen. I meant, Listen, Im going to tell you something.

    Go on, t it out.

    Its very late. So just… be respectful of the neighbours.

    ts it? No. ook a deep breathere.

    In your flat? Yes.

    know w youd call e. ever.

    You e for tried to keep my voice in neutral, but, you knoting in a club or  s to jump off a building.

    Yes.  of it? Not… to say any more. e could leave t to tion.

    Fucking  kind of date ends up ting on toin.

    I s was fucking unsuccessful, said Jess.

    Yes, said Martin. ts w as such.

    o  and usting on t before en or fifteen years younger tty, in a kind of bimbo tV . Sared at us, and t him.

    rying to keep it lig s quite pull it off.

    Just out. Met some… ured at us.

    Met some who? You know. People.

    And ts  knoo run into t.

    And whe girl.

    I ed to in ansion, because it mig Jess interrupted.

    Youre Penny Chambers, said Jess.

    S say anyt already. e stared at her.

    Penny Chambers, said Maureen. She was gaping like a fucking fish.

    Penny Cill didnt say anythe same reasons as before.

    Rise and Sin, said Maureen.

    No response for a time. I dont knoars, but I got it. If Martin o kill  ty fucking o admit.

    Are you t? Jess asked her.

    Youd better ask y.

    Are you t? Jess asked him.

    Im sorry, said Martin.

    Ansion, said Penny. Im interested.

    t really time to talk about it, said Martin.

    So t, Penny said. o me.

    Its complicated, said Martin. You kne.

    Nope.

    You kne happy.

    Yes, I kne  I didnt know you were un me.

    I … Its not… Can alk later? In private? opped, and gestured around t taring faces. I t, as a rule, potential suicides tend to be pretty self-absorbed: t fes pretty muc do  about us and b) because it  a conversation likely to depress t of us. It , just a fig aking us out of ourselves.

    And  probably not immediately.

    Rig do alk about in time? it to say to t. Martin , so it o o find to him.

    I tom and Cine, said Penny.

    Yeaomorrow.

    t think youre so rude.

    om and Cine? th? Yes.

    did you tell told to toilet, said Penny.

    Jess burst out laugin glanced at   . You knoed,  to laugry not to catcoo? ell, ts  ted ttle-boy smirk and fle ttle boy in question. s to prevent ting him.

    funny.

    Im sorry. Really. I knos not funny in any o  s down again.

    e need a drink, said Martin. ould you mind if tayed for one? Ill take a drink off just about anybody in any situation, but even I  sure ake t too ty.

    It o t t I ion of describing Penny as a rigc anyt  t ty minutes or so praying t it  t my opinion of Penny would be passed on.

    And, needless to say, it oget  of prison, and as you can imagine so endure a fair amount of difficulty in t time. e didnt  to kno  anyen trictly necessary. I ill ially employed, on a dismal cable cioned before, I  terribly cheerful.

    And ing, but o oter muciming and many recriminations,  toget . I tom   of my o top of iful and young and famous, broadcasting to millions every morning. I couldnt believe t sed to be algia and pity, and s persuade me otalk for five minutes about some novel t understand, and t of t  t couldnt get toget, aged about one  and made me read it, and it took me about as long to get t took ters to pair off. ell, our relations like t, except tter time tmas, in a fit of self-disgust and despair, I told o bugger off, and so s out t nig on tV c-ever line of coke, and to see me t morning in floods of tears. ts c anyt t on the harsh side.

    So t, give or take a feo-s and tantrums, a couple of dozen ot-ups, and ten to add - is o be sitting on my sofa ing up for me. Sing a long time if it  been for our impromptu roof party. I  even boting e, an omission ic delusion t tions sure.

    t sruck me as an anso confuse and obscure to illuminate. As for me… ell, I associated Penny, perandably, ime before tarted to go aeen-year-olds, before prison. I o convince myself t if I could make t . I bring you momentous nes not. ?

    My immediate problem ion rutful and upsetting, and it   off t could o one anot look like colleagues, or poetry ents, or clubbers, or substance-abusers; t o be said, , if failing to look like a substance-abuser could ever be described as a problem. And even if tance-abusers, I ill find it o explain t desperation of my desire to see told Penny and   mine s t I o toilet;  t door  on Neo attend ty?

    So I decided simply to carry on as if to explain.

    Sorry. Penny, this is Penny.

    Penny seemed unconvinced even by troductions, as if I arted lying already.

    But you still  told me whey are.

    As in… ? As in,  ts a long story.

    Good.

    Maureen I kno of all? Maureen stared at me.

    Its a long time ago no it? ell remember in a minute. And JJ used to be part of the old Channel  crowd, and Jess is his girlfriend.

    Jess put oucire t have wished.

    And s. t… deaf idiots.

    onig… like… a party, said JJ tentatively.

    ch.

    , Jess?   Jess s  sort of crazy night.

    And o go? At eleven-ty? In ty? it me? t I cant explain. And I attempted to look simultaneously ic. e o ty and unpredictability, a country ted.

    Youre seeing someone else, arent you? Seeing someone else?  explain any of this?

    ate bringing eenaged punk and an American  and a Rod Ste ?  ory  ter reflection, I realized t Penny  infidelity can usually provide to any domestic mystery. If I on and Donald Rumsfeld, Penny hing.

    In otances, on ot oo; I used to be pretty resourceful o a o explain a four-ting  into treet to inspect t, looked at me, and said, Youre seeing someone else, arent you? I denied it, of course.

    But to come to an Islington flat in tually telling trut look you get, ts you see rigo t and t go t extra yard to avoid it?

    ell? My delay in replying  of some pretty complicated mental aritic; I rying to   sums gave me t minus number. But, inevitably, terpreted as an admission of guilt.

    You fucking bastard.

    I empted to point out t I er tunate incident V c t ed to get drunk in my o I kne was coming.

    I  outside t - I ually sick w s  have one.

    as  erwards.

    Ive seen lots of te your ood  of younger people iced, and of course tend to be sick on t ake, too, nowadays, I suppose. (Do drugs make you sick?

    Id t you?) And some of ton dont seem to go in for ts muc you see t migin is a sicker-upper. Or maybe   of friends o drinking, and also because I  o eat for more too nervous on Neo eat anyt seem to be an a of point any even tys muss food for? Its fuel, isnt it? It keeps you going. And I didnt really  to be kept going. Jumping off toppers omaceful, like selling a car ank of petrol. So I arted drinking te  ty, and after Id arted spinning round and round.

    e  for a little . Jess offered to cer ell  Martin  been  Martin asked o explain  t trut so bad, and Martin said t  badly of old t hinking of killing himself.

    Youre mad, said Jess. S . Youd probably get a sympathy shag.

    Martin laug ts  works, Jess, he said.

    ? Because if s , it  s a terrible t t your lover is so uns to die. Its a time for self-reflection.

    Yeao spend  feel like holding her hand.

    Youd still end up  say it would be easy.

    Sometimes it  Jess  of us, ill s knoy  to kill myself, and you could tell t JJ and Martin  too. But  , t of t doea, and t on  of your day. alking about sympatercourse and o  see o climb tairs up to t s  killing ourselves, but  oo close to jumping. And yet Jess  of all of us to going over. JJ  come out of tairin   dangling over t  actually nerved o do it. Id never even got as far as t if Martin  sat on Jesss , Im sure of t.

    Lets play a game, said Jess.

    F— off, said Martin.

    It o go on being s  to get to tage  t o an end. But tting used to it made me realize somet made me realize t notins flat, I could look back on myself - t t by a little bit of bad language! Id got older even during t. You get used to t, t youre suddenly different,  you o like t sort of music, even if it  opped, and nots t makes you die inside, and eventually s to make you die on tside too. People s of reasons, I kno one of t be t c life um - kids send you on a journey. Matty and I got stuck at top, though.

    learn to alk, let alone read or e: ayed tayed tayed too. I knos not muc imes in an evening,   for me, somet met Martin on t bounced off me, as if I  on. ell, t t if you flincimes in an evening. It made me here I was drinking whisky and Coca-Cola.

    You kno more? No.

    Miserable bastard, said Jess.

    ell, yes, said Martin. Exactly. Der, as you would say.

    ard. I ing out t, at ticular stage of my life, and indeed on ticular nig;miserablequot; is a very appropriate adjective. I am a very miserable bastard indeed, as I t you would  by now.

    , still? Martin laugill. Even after all tonight.

    o prison? I believe I still een-year-old?

    Regrettably, noto  score. Is my career still in pieces, and am I still estranged from my ce attending a party c kind of malcontent must I be, e wed cher up.

    Really? Is t really and truly ? Yeah.

    I see. A trouble srouble s actually been quartered? t sort of tter.

    Yes. ell, s t supposed to mean? Notter. Your depression ractable. Youre very lucky.

    Unfortunately, JJ is still going to die, Maureen still ill a complete and utter f—ing so be   see o  , really? I  seem to mind.  smiled, and said, I guess not.

    I  takes too long.

    And tin sed somet  I didnt  it arting to retc my  as I said, I didnt make it.

    Jesus f—ing C, Martin said  used to t sort of s t involves  t .

    JJ  I o regret t sorry o a pretty bad start. ts on top of tart it  off to,   place. Any suddenly ting er, because t passed.

    trut I didnt feel like a dying man; I felt like a man o die, and ts to die feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and   exed, all at time; s to figs to curl up in a ball and s to say sorry to everyone, and s everyone to kno   believe t dying people feel t . (And  be? Every ot, so s, s one in my handbag.

    say anyttle wly.

    If youre going to be sick again,  couple of yards to tin said.

    Its not t, said Maureen. Its my s on t by tin made in ts only got my keys and t.

    e can find you a mint, if ts .

    Ive got some chewing gum, said Jess.

    Im not muc a bridge ts a bit loose. And I didnt botting it fixed because...

    S finisence. S need to. I t got around to fixing, for obvious reasons.

    So , said Martin. Or you can clean your teet. You can use Pennys toothbrush.

    thank you.

    S to  and t dohe floor.

    am I going to do? About t ion for all of us, but Martin and I looked at Jess for t to come in tion, and  Jess actless enougo ask it.

    t on cue, do you need it? Oions started to penetrate.

    Do you see w I mean? Yes. Yes, I do.

    If you dont kno say so. Cos, you knos a big question, and   to rus if you kno be needing it, t say so now.

    td save us all a trip, see.

    I  ask you to come h me.

    ed  to, said Jess. ouldnt   your keys, you can stay in.

    Dont  them.

    I see, Maureen said. Rig really… I t, I dont knoo put off t it for a few hours.

    OK, Martin said. Fair enougs go back.

    Do you mind? Not at all. It o kill yourself just because you didnt have your handbag.

    to toppers  Id left Ivans moped t before. It  t bad, because  sucs not like alist. oo poor. In fact, ies of a minimum-raffic ligty muche same money.

    I left my car oo, said Martin.

    And ts gone as ion. It o be an act of cy. t be any more of those.

    t it, t in t  until  up t  to da about. It oo, o see seeing tour: St Pauls, the river, Jesss house.

    Its not scary any more, said Martin.

    You reckon? said Jess. he edge? Fucking hell.

    Its a fuck sigter in the dark, if you ask me.

    I didnt mean tin. I meant London. It looks all right.

    It looks beautiful, said Maureen. I cant remember t time I could see so much.

    I didnt mean t eit… I dont knoo go.

    Yeaed to a dinner party, I said. Like you had.

    I didnt knoed out of pity. I didnt belong.

    And you feel included noo feel excluded from. Its just a big city again. Look. hes on his own. And shes on her own.

    Sraffic warden, said Jess.

    Yes, and soday s fe last nigable somewhere.

    itraffic wardens, probably, said Jess.

    And I  V presenters.

    Or perverts, said Jess.

    No. Agreed. I was on my own.

    Apart from t ty, I said. But yeas w for suicides.

    one? Jess asked.

    December st, said Martin.

    Yea popular nig ines Day, said Martin.

    s t? Six s give it anot about t? ell probably all feel terrible on Valentines Day.

    e all stared tfully at t. Six  seem too long. Life could co care for. Or your career ional laugock.

    Dyou know how youll be feeling in six weeks? Maureen asked me.

    Oerminal disease. Life  che fuck did I know how Id be feeling?

    to predict its course - not even me, and I invented it.

    So are o meet again before t… ;;? said Martin. o meet in six  kill ourselves opping you, said Jess.

    Surely t someone is stopping me. ere all stopping eacher.

    Until the six weeks is up, yeah.

    So opping you,quot; t te.

    Listen, said Jess. If you go  your  am I going to do about it? Exactly. So t I? Because if ry and live by t kill ourselves for six  a gang, tever. So are  a gang? Not a gang, said Martin.

    … Martin clearly ion, o let hough.

    I  felt like I il t moment. And noo t Martin didnt like muc real committed to it.

    But w? I said.

    ell. Youre not, you kno, I sh assholes like you.

    ell, t instructive evening and te ways.

    And die, said Jess.

    Possibly, said Martin.

    And ts ? I said.

    ell, its not a long-ion, I grant you. But Im not giving as o look more attractive recently. Im conflicted, as you people say. Anyway, wo Jess.

    Id got t you didnt care for anyone or anyt t hing.

    Jess t for a moment. You kno up top of tate Building or up a mountain or  bit o save  like t tears off and s  to do.

    You  to co my doom.

    Id like to kno Ive made t. I  to sorn sleeve.

    I didnt knorained Samaritan, said Martin.

    Im not. t my own personal philosophy.

    Id find it easier if  from you tty. I tell Matty.

    Os sake, said Martin. y because en: telling Maureen to go fuck han any of us possessed.

    Its only six op ourselves on Valentines, if it helps.

    Martin s it o indicate defeat rathan refusal.

    ell all live to regret it, he said.

    Good, said Jess. So is everyone all rig? I s  like I ter plan.

    Im not going on beyond six weeks, said Maureen.

    No one in.

    As long as  from tart, said Maureen.

    Noted, said Martin.

    Excellent, said Jess. So its a deal.

    e s out for breakfast. e couldnt to say to eac  seem to mind much.