Martins t most people will have heard of, said Linda.

    Martin? Is t ;t;, said Martin.  ried to kill himself.

    Can I just cin, didnt you? Martin sed in . You could tell ing around t to make sure t tes hed overlooked.

    Oin. I saw . he was… he was awesome.

    And , o t Linda  large o poke sticks at  o sit take it, like an ex in a freak show.

    But t morning, to one of only tists. OK, strictly speaking, telling trut looked like Matt Damon, o old us to get do I got to say, I dont kno-aunt Ida, s too.

    And I dont kno to me it seemed a long  mortgages and relations stuff, all t constitute a regular life,

    put ourselves someo a guy o a guy  money o o last us for t of our lives, unless  time ake pos.

    Just over to see Big Yelloed in ing us, and y-six montting around in trying to persuade us, you knoting around aking part in a patic attempt to squeeze a fe of someone o give it to us, so long as o totally embarrass ourselves. One t couple of years aug t fuck up if you try hard enough.

    My only consolation  I didnt  for a feo t t type to read Lindas paper. And some of t t see a copy lying around someion, and t tion.

    So t just left Lizzie, and if sure of me looking insane, t. You knoo be a rocknroll star after all. Can you fucking believe t?

    No you cant, because its beyond belief, and therefore unbelievable.

    Stiness, t  t point in time, you kno it   o see , if I could be temporarily invisible, t ter robbing a bank and going into t tuff, is put t of c.

    See, I didnt kno anyt I kne I didnt.

    I didnt to go back to ter tervie it a bit, t terribly, and I  at t go to confession - sneaked out some once Id told Linda t Id seen an angel, I kne Id o keep a I  be able to go back before I died. I didnt knoly ted, but I  sins involving making up angels al.

    I still t I o kill myself ervieings, and I suppose t took my mind off t all t felt like last-minute activity, as if I o get done before I  on

    round to it.

    I o say t I sa little glimmer of lig day, tervie it  really like t. It o cV; and I o look foro it, and ticed t t migeresting. I dont kno you, but c al. You can end up flicking betc know elevision cope.

    after terviealking to JJ. o , and I op, and oget sure ed to, really, because  it uations wopped for me.

    t ?  I  difficult.

    I e lies, I said.

    me and laug his lie.

    No offence, I said. I lied too. I lied about to Matty, as  going to a party on Neo te home.

    Godll forgive you for ttle bit more, and t I could tell,   take to c … you knoing to End It All.

    I didnt knoo say.

    If you could make a deal ting table from you. And   you to stay put, on Eart can o persuade you?  can we offer you? Gods asking me personally?   Yeah.

    If  o offer me anything.

    Really? If God in e ed me to stay on Eart God.

    of… I dont kno of cosmic, you kno. Or Prime Minister. tony Blair. Someone  o do ony Blair says  asking for someturn.

    Can ty? Nope. hings.

    Id like a holiday.

    God. Youre a ce. Youd co live out t of your natural life for a o go abroad. Ive never been.

    Youve never been abroad?  as t I was.

    time you  before Matty was born.

    And een.

    OK. ell, as your manager, Im going to be asking two.

    You cant do t! I really felt scandalized. I can see noaking it all too seriously, but it felt real to me, and it seemed like a oo much.

    trust me, said JJ. I kno. Cosmic tony  blink an eye.

    Come on, hing else.

    Say ime to  for it, you kno going to get anotment ony. You got one s. Everyt, youve got to ask for in one go.

    A job.

    You  a job? Yes. Of course.

    kind of job? Anyto get me out of the house.

    I used to ty ioners in tufnell Park. I liked it; I liked all t pens, and sizes of paper and envelopes. I liked my boss. I  worked since.

    OK. Come on, come on.

    Maybe a bit of a social life. times. Like pub quizzes, but not in to  one of those.

    Yep, we can allow you a quiz.

    I tried to smile, because I kne, but I ion  really t annoyed me. And it made me feel afraid, in a strange sort of a   youd never seen before in your own house.

    ould you  to kno I . I didnt  to carry on talking about me.

    about you? I said to JJ.  o Cosmic tony?  sure, man.  a man. You get used to it. Maybe, I dont kno fifteen years all over again or somet about music. Become to settle for o be, you kno Cosmic tony cant arrange t.

    No. Exactly.

    So youre ony can do t not for you.

    No, no, s, Im sorry, Maureen. I didnt mean to imply t. You s your fault, and everyts o me is just cos of my oupidity, and… tioned it.

    But I  sorry. I liked t Cosmic tony muc God.

    MARtIN  ture of me flat on my face outside a nightclub - read FOR hARPS - SEE ShARP.

    tory did not, as Linda  ery of our experience on t co concentrate on anotifying and amusing lunacy of a former television personality. t in me suspects t s tory about right.

    does t mean? Jess asked me on t morning.

    Its an old lager ad, I said.  quot;AYS S;.

    to do  the lager was harp. And my names Sharp, you see.

    OK. t  to do o play them.

    Are to make it more convincing? I told , in my opinion, tion of a o trait of tt Damon t o s auticity.

    And any you? e  a fucking mention.

    I  morning - from t t of interest in tory, and alking to t e spiritual moment; from Penny, o meet and talk; and from my daughters.

    I  been alloo speak to t Cindys maternal instinct old  talking about seeing messengers from God o reinstate contact.

    Did you see an angel, Daddy? No.

    Mummy said you did.

    ell, I didnt.

    ter ask her.

    Mummy, iently ook place ahe receiver.

    S say it. S.

    I told a fib, sie. to make some money.

    Oh.

    So I can buy you a nice birt.

    O money for saying you saell you anotime.

    Oh.

    And t not for very long. During our brief conversation I managed to refer to t types of domesticated female animals.

    I also received a p FeetUp. o tell me t I was fired. Youre joking.

    I  me ernative.

    By doing ly?  s a problem for you? You come across as a bit of a nutter, to be ,   about ty for tive, in my book.

    You tive publicity for FeetUp?   ing cogs of poor Declans mind turning over.

    A  occurred to me.

    Im not going to beg, Dec. But it tle perverse to me.

    You ime of day.

    And t. ers are all over today? No, no, fair point, fair point. I can see ly, is t ty for a… a fledgling cable channel.

    Obviously I couldnt  it as elegantly as t. But yes, ts t of it.

    OK. Youve turned me round, S on ternoon? ternoon? Yeas thursday.

    Ah.

    ten? I sort of had, really, yeah.

    So  no one? I reckon I could get JJ, Maureen and Jess to come on.

    hree.

    tory? I only read t you seeing the angel.

    th me.

    Up o kill myself. And to top of a to a long story s, told us to come down again.

    Fuck me.

    Exactly.

    And you reckon you can get t sure of it.

    Jesus C. , dyou reckon? t, and er.

    Go on, t. Fuck the expense.

    top man, Dec I ts a good idea. Im pleased . Old Declans still got it, eoo righe Baskervilles.

    youve got to tell yourself, I told t no one ching.

    ts one of your old pro tricks, right? said JJ knowingly.

    No, I said. Believe me. Literally no one c anyone who has ever seen my show.

    ters of FeetUptV! - knoably, to its staff as titsUptV! - is in a sort of son. tains a small reception area, tudio,  ternoon o tionist, to take o be passing tter A mean anyto you, Asif ? and so on. ternoons are taken up by tapes of old dog races from time tention o offer vieo bet, but not, and in my opinion, if you cant bet, ts appeal. During t talking to eac text ts more or less it. Declan runs tation on beerious Asian businessman, and tUptV! can only presume t someoo obtuse and sopicated for us to deciprafficking of class A drugs and c t encoded messages to traffickers: if, say, tside lane  is a message to tact t een-year-olds first t, anyway.

    My guests on Send to be old friends o do someto ies in a boat not dissimilar to my o. Some  s ed, but most s had-beens.

    Candy-Ann, D J GoodNe just once, but several times, in order to give vie to knotle better. (Sment, namely Karen on reception, does its best, errupted by messages from our sponsors. tical viecional surface.) Attracting people of tituted somets appeared on t the newspapers.

    I took pride in my intervieill do, but at a time o do noto my competence in a studio as I o a tree root on time, intervieors at eigballers at eigicians to tell sometruto cope ably verbose, and not once  tudio sofa  tolerate any e FeetUptV! mont talking to nobodies and never-o say and no ability to say it, it ing to t tent. So ed accordingly, I suffered somet I ; I o be a little less pompous, a little more relaxed. true, I o talk about an unforgettable experience t t  ed, t imaginary unforgettable experience erous. And yet, despite ts, I ed a higher level of professionalism.

    I dont ate my case; its not bloody rocket science, doing a tV intervieo your guests beforeional course, remind tes and, in ts about tions  to discuss, as provided by Jess in ervie tt Damon, ed above te suit. Dont fuck about s, I told t into a mess. So ely? I ask JJ ells me t tional t-s for t, Jess V, and o synopsize at considerable length.

    If  stick to t, I said. Lots of people have seen hile You ere Sleeping. Very few people have seen an angel.

    Fuck off. No ones ching. You said.

    t  one of my old pros tricks.

    ell be in trouble no said quot;Fuck offquot;. Youll get loads of complaints for t.

    I t our vieed enougo kno extreme experiences sometimes produce extreme language.

    Good. Fuckofffuckofffuckoff. Sic  Maureen, and to t traged people of Britain.

    Anyc a very extreme experience.

    e alking about t Sandra Bullock.

    angel? And so on, and on, until Declan ics lady and uso treet and, in my case, out of a job.

    Someone se a song or somethey fuck you up, your mum and dad.

    they do. Especially your dad.

    ts  like me saying t if it  for me and Jen, no one ion - ts tary of State. ters, and  ter,  all. So  of a loser politician, really. You  mind if

    about Iraq or  ;  old to say, and it still doesnt do him much good.

    Most people  ties to someone, and t rope can be s or it can be long. (Be long. Belong. Get it?) You dont kno your cies o Matty and its about six incs killing ins rope ties o ers, and, like a stupid dog,  isnt to a niger a girl, up a building,  brings  and cs surprised, and t day. I tied to talking about, to be in th.

    And Im learning t Im tied to Jen, and not to my mum and dad - not to  sied to too, Im sure of it. S safe, just because ss, so s il so t or off to texas  s jerked back by t t one. S tied to Jen no Jen isnt solid, like a ing, blo she?

    Any oands t.

    Sing anytill a mess because of Jen, and ses Dad, and s Dad really t itled to somet sicles t people ing about er e, as if it was any of my business. And I was like, So?

    Resign. Or dont. ever. o talk to a career adviser, not a daughter.

    It  as if  so really try and do it straig time, but tervie on my tits, so I told  all up to earn a feupid brain-dead old bags in t , no one ed to speak to us any more. e  to entertain ourselves. It  too hard. I had loads of ideas.

    For example: it   for a coffee regularly -eit Maureens or someo sit ty. e didnt mind spending bits of tters or  to call tended  because ed Maureen to  really it   to go round ime. No offence, but Matty put like a real dohing.

    Martin didnt like my idea, of course. First ed to kno, because   to commit   must be o find time, and   a question of time actually it ion of co remind  o be part of a gang. And , so I , ell,  of agreeing? And .

    older t fully formed yet, and , You can say t again.

    And t agree on ed to go to Starbucks, because I like frappuccinos and all t, but JJ said  into global francin  a snooty little coffee bar in betreet o keep  up there.

    Any cs name and its vibe. tiness  , so it  snooty any more. It used to be called tres Marias,  t t did one Mary o do  alone t even  ain Coffee, and everyone kne sold, but it didnt seem to make muc ill empty.

    e  ran it ed us, and said, Captain Coffee at your service. I t  Martin o leave, but Captain Coffee  let us,  desperate. old us , and a cake, if ed. So  , but t problem  tiny. tables, and eacable  Captain Coffee er listening to everything we said.