Ying-Ying St. Clair

    For all t my mout fall out. And because I remained quiet for so long no er fluid.

    All t my true nature cly noo buy,  of balance, ray sitting crooked on a straigable.

    And I  to tell , s seeing, un hers.

    I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over tone are er.

    Yet today I can remember a time and still. It is my earliest recollection: telling t wis w I wis memory remained hese many years.

    But noails of t entire day, as clearly as I see my daughe foolishness of her life.

    In 1918, t I ival arrived during an autumn in us erribly .  morning, teentra covering my bed icky. Everyt grass simmering in t.

    Earlier in ts ains to drive out t, our only bedding during tant  . And t bricks of tyard umn   its cool mornings and evenings. And so tale  still remained in tains, ing up t, seeping into my pillo morning less complaint.

    tside, somet fragrance t er. quot;s t stinky smell?quot; I asked my amao appear next to my bed tant I  in a little room next to mine.

    quot;It is terday,quot; sing me out of my bed and setting me on ried to remember he morning before.

    quot;e are burning t; I said dro of op of a little stool and looked out to tyard beloail t billo t of a colorful box decorated ures: a sipede, a dropping-doe of any one of tures could kill a co t t knoo coes and small flies.

    t day, instead of dressing me in a ligton jacket and loose trousers, Ama out a  and skirt outlined h black bands.

    quot;No time to play today,quot; said Ama. quot;Your motiger clotival….quot; Sed me into ts. quot;Very important day, and noo t;

    quot; is a ceremony?quot; I asked as Ama over my cotton undergarments.

    quot;It is a proper o be, so t punis; said Amaened my frog clasps.

    quot; kind of punis?quot; I asked boldly.

    quot;too many questions!quot; cried Ama;You do not need to understand. Just be to t s;

    I boiced tiny embroidered peonies groc, gently nudging floo bloom on th.

    And tyard. Standing on my stool, I strained to find t t: quot;…feel my arm, steamed soft clear to t; Many relatives from tival and aying for the week.

    Amaried to pull a ended to tumble off tool as soon as s.

    quot;Stand still, Ying-ying!quot; s, ool again, sed my o a single braid off to to it five strands of colorful silk. So a tigrands until to a neat tassel.

    So inspect ing in t and pants obviously made tentions.  kind of day could be h so much suffering?

    quot;Pretty,quot; pronounced Amahough I wore a scowl on my face.

    quot;oday?quot; I asked.

    quot;Dajyaquot;—All t;e are all going to tai Lake. ted a boat onig t;

    quot;t; I said, jumping up and do deliger I ceased to be amazed  sounds of my voice saying neugged Ama;;

    quot;Coday is t wis;

    quot; is a secret wis;

    quot;It is  but cannot ask,quot; said Amah.

    quot; I ask?quot;

    quot;t…it is no longer a aug it is o ten.quot;

    quot;t;

    quot;Ai! You ask too muc an ordinary person.quot;

    Satisfied at last, I immediately said: quot;tell   to ;

    quot;A just explain?quot; said Ama;No you ioned to me, it is not a secret wis;

    During to go to t aling one more ter breakfast everybody kept talking about ttle consequence. I grew more worried and une.

    quot;…Autumn moon ; Baba ing a long poem  stone inscriptions.

    quot;t line,quot; explained Baba, quot;s meaning  lost to posterity forever.quot;

    quot;A fortunately,quot; said my uncle, ;you are a dedicated sc ory and literature. You o solve it, I t;

    My fat;Mist flo. O!…quot;

    Mama elling my aunt and to mix various s to produce a balm: quot;ts. Rub it vigorously until your skin s and t.quot;

    quot;Ai! But ?quot; lamented t;Botside oo tender to even touc;

    quot;It is t,quot; complained anotie. quot;Cooking all your flestle.quot;

    quot;And burning your eyes!quot; exclaimed my great-aunt.

    I sigime tarted a neopic. Amaiced me and gave me a mooncake in t. S in tyard and eat it tle ers, Number three.

    It is easy to forget about a boat e t led to tyard, umbled and so see o tone benc. I , so I sat in t,  in t ear for eac doug filling or egg yolk inside, but my ers oo little to knoter.

    quot;Sister likes me better,quot; said Number to Number three.

    quot;Me better,quot; said Number to Number two.

    quot;Dont make trouble,quot; I said to te ts body, rolling my tongue over my lips to lick off ticky bean paste.

    e picked crumbs off one anoter  it gre and once again I became restless. Suddenly I saransparent  off to c, and my ers folloing t flew away.

    quot;Ying-ying!quot; I anding in tyard and my mote. Ama doo smoot. quot;Syin yifu! Yidafad;—Your neress.

    My moto me. Sucked to my coiled braid. quot;A boy can run and c is ure,quot; s;But a girl sand still. If you are still for a very long time, a dragonfly  o you and  of your s; t and t me in t courtyard.

    Standing perfectly still like t, I discovered my s first it  a dark spot on ts t covered tyard bricks. It  legs and long arms, a dark coiled braid just like mine.  ss urned to  follourned back around quickly and it faced me. I lifted t to see if I could peel off my s it , on t at my so tree, c disappeared. I loved my s less nature.

    And t;Ying-ying! It is time. Are you ready to go to t; I nodded my o run to; admonished Amah.

    Our entire family anding outside, cting excitedly. Everybody ant-looking cloty silk   ers unics and so did t embroidered ers for long life. Even t on t cloto celebrate: Mamas aunt, Babas mot-uncles fat iny steps and then a scared look.

    ts icky rice us leaves, some filled ed  lotus seeds; a small stove for boiling er for  tea; anotaining cups and boton sack of apples, pomegranates, and pears; sy earts and vegetables; stacks of red boxes lined s for our afternoon nap.

    to ricksting next to t t moment, before  off, I  of Ama of to t, er to our o be my nursemaid. But I   of Ama, t ter in ter, a blessing you appreciate and love only here.

    ted to feel no cooling breezes. Our ricks and ting like  tcarted climbing aboard a large boat our family ed. t looked like a floating teayard. It ile roof, and be w looked like a garden h round windows.

    urn, Amaig as soon as my feet toucoget peoples legs enclosed in billoo see o run t.

    I loved teady feeling of almost falling one erns ers and I ran our fingers over bencables in traced our fingers over tterns of tal o see ter beloo find!

    I opened a o t a room t looked like a large sitting area. My sisters folloo us, as we shyly smiled and backed away.

    At t icks into a tall cove, a ing close to t,  looked to be a piece of string attaco a er. t even a glance.

    e returned to t of t, just in time to see ted on bencoes ligalking in deep, serious voices. My brotick and er as if t go faster. ts ed in a cluster at t, ing er for tea, sed gingko nuts, and emptying out hampers of food for a noonday meal of cold dishes.

    Even tai Lake is one of t in all of C day it seemed cros: ros, pedal boats, sailboats, fiss, and floating pavilions like ours. So en passed ot to trail ter, some drifting by asleep beneated umbrella.

    Suddenly I ;A; and I t, At last, to ts and uncles laugicks to pick up dancing sill squirming in tiny legs bristling. So t ter ained, freser so a spicy bean-curd sauce and popping into es and a swallow.

    But tement soon ernoon seemed to pass like any ot lessness after ttle dro tea. Amaelling me to lie do. t as everyone slept ttest part of the day.

    I sat up and sao t. tal ring around its neck. One boy o tied a to a loop on tal neck ring. t se  on top of ter. I o t t me er and disappeared.

    One of t made of es into ter and top of t. In a fes ruggling to o a large fiso t and tried to s of course, s neck, it could not. In one motion, t snatc to t. I clapped my er again.

    For t , I c ing its turn, as fiser fiso land in a . ter cried to t;Enoug; and t sed to someone op t of t I could not see. And loud clanks and ed as once again t began to move. t to me dove into ter. Bot on t and crouctle yello bobbing on ter.

    It ure. But I stayed, as if caugurned around and a sullen ting in front of t of fiscook out a so slice open t to ter turtle t stretc its neck to bite a stick, and—. t a o tco see.

    It  until too late, t I sas of bloods, flecks of fiss of feat a strange mind I o of t, I quickly dipped my urtles blood and smeared t of my pants and jacket. And t I truly t: t I could cover ts by painting all my clot if I stood perfectly still no one ice this change.

    t is ion covered ill error, running over to see ing my ears and my nose and counting my fingers, s t t. S, pulled off my pants. S;somet; and I looked like quot;somet.quot; rembling not so muc;Your moto ;So Kunming.quot; And truly frig Kunming o visit, and t it one forest ruled by monkeys. Ama me crying on t, standing in my ton undergarments and tiger slippers.

    I ruly expected my moto come soon. I imagined tle flo so t and scold me in le  s come. Osteps, but I saers pressed to t me ed to me, and then laughed and scampered off.

    ter urned a deep golden color, and tern ligarted to gloalking and laug of our boat, some from ots next to us. And tc and t;Ai! Look at t; I here.

    I listened to t ion, my legs, my   looked like turned around so I could find tell   moment, everybody else must oo. Because firecrackers exploded, and I fell into ter not even hearing my own splash.

    I  of ter, so t at first I  frig ely and pick me up. But in tant t I began to c come. I ter. ter o my t and eyes, and t;Ama; I tried to cry and I   and suffer unnecessarily. And t he Five Evils, a swimming snake.

    It ossed me into to a rope net filled er gus of my t, so t now I was choking and wailing.

    urned my o t. quot;Is it too small? S back? Or is it ; said ting. And t. I knes, s her hands over my eyes and ears.

    quot;Stop no; scolded t, quot;youve frigo sell ; And tle voice, quot;tle sister?quot;

    t do me. quot;Otle girl. Not a fis;

    quot;Not a fis a fis; murmured thers, chuckling.

    I began to soo scared to cry. the sharp odors of gunpowder and fish.

    quot;Do not pay any attention to t; said t;Are you from anot?  be afraid. Point.quot;

    Out on ter I sas and pedal boats and sailboats, and fiss like t beating fast.

    quot;t; I said, and pointed to a floating pavilion filled erns. quot;t; And I began to cry, desperate to reaced. t glided sly over, tohe good cooking smells.

    quot;E!quot; called to t. quot; a little girl, a girl ;

    ts from ting pavilion, and I strained to see faces of Amaing, looking into our boat. All strangers, laug come? A little girl pushrough some legs.

    quot;ts not me!quot; s;Im  fall in ter.quot; t roared er and turned away.

    quot;Little sister, you aken,quot; said t glided ao s I  over ter at terns. Firecrackers  forever.

    tinued to stare at me. My braid s  and gray. I  my slippers and .

    quot; s; said one of tly. quot;Nobody to claim ;

    quot;Maybe s; said one of t;Look at s to beg for money.quot;

    I error. Maybe true. I urned into a beggar girl, lost  my family.

    quot;An you ; said t;Look at oo pale. And , ttoms are soft.quot;

    quot;Put ; said t;If sruly ;

    quot;Suc!quot; sig;Als and little c dro; tted like tos.  of ter lifted me out of t h his fishy-smelling hands.

    quot;Be careful next time, little sister,quot; called t glided away.

    On t moon be ime, sogeto some busalking as ts. And tes and tinkling cymbals, a sounding gong and drums!

    I looked t I could see a croage  out from tage and told t;And noell ale to you, in a s;

    t, and t my troubles. I  t. So speak. Suc, wailing voice!

    quot;My fate and my penance,quot; so lament, pulling ;to live  eac,  of tumn moon.quot;

    te and began ale.

    On tte of a man appear. t to embrace ;O! er Arc; s  seem to notice  ter, o open  tell.

    tc and fell into a ;t of ten suns in tern sky!quot; And just as ser Arced  do;Sinking into a simmering sea!quot; sh.

    And noern Skies!—oer Arc a baby sun but a magic peacing life! I could see tending to be busy  scer Arco fast for one year to sience to live forever. And after ed not one moment to find t it!

    As soon as sasted it, so rise, t like t like a dragonfly ;Flung from tonness!quot; s as ing, quot;tealing ;   black.

    yae music began again as tage ligood t a moon as brig s tears. An eternity  sao stay lost on the moon, forever seeking her own selfish wishes.

    quot;For ; s;tempered passions lie. And man is yang, brigruting our minds.quot;

    At tale, I and ire story, I understood , o get it back.

    A gong sounded, and to t on tage and announced, quot;ait, everybody! ted to grant one secret irred ement, people murmuring in ;For a small monetary donation…quot; continued to disperse. ted, quot;A once-a-year opportunity!quot; But nobody ening to  my she bushes.

    quot;I ; I sed as I ran for. But ttention to me and age. I kept running too tell t I ed, because no as a lizard beage, to the moon.

    I saill for just a moment. Siful, ablaze  from a dozen kerosene lamps. And tresses and began to eps.

    quot;I ; I said in a il I could see teetained eyes. A face so tired t s wis me and became a man.

    For many years, I could not remember ed t nig  I o me, a  could not be trusted. And so even ter t niger Amaed for me along terhe same girl.

    And t t of iful story t, ts neck, tiny flohe Five Evils.

    But no I am old, moving every year closer to to t  day because it imes in my life. trust, and restlessness, t myself.

    I remember all tonigeent I asked to be found.