Lena St. Clair

    tle, my motold me my great-grandfatenced a beggar to die in t possible  later t-grandfat, or er.

    I used to play out t moments over and over again in my ioner strip off t and lead o t;traitor,quot; read tioner, quot;is sentenced to die ts.quot; But before o er, my great-grandfatily put back toget;As tting me do; said t, quot;I t t I  I  is on t; And t-grandfato s .

    I once asked my mot;In bed, very quickly, after being sick for only t;

    quot;No, no, I mean t? Did to cs?quot;

    quot;Anns in your mind?quot; cried my mot;t man  seventy years.  does it matter ;

    I al it mattered, to kno possible t can o you, to knoo not be draerrors t surrounded our  cil s dark corner of ill tcil s.

    As I remember it, t in our old ried to  from me. S ypes of key locks. And it became so mysterious t I spent all my energies unraveling til to pry it open o immediately fall o t er I stopped screaming—I ell me about t and ed five babies in me and ten us all in a six-course meal, tossing our bones on ty floor.

    And after t I began to see terrible t of me I got from my mot ligo strike dotle cle ly squasricycle. And  sc. Monkey rings t  in tet could splas of laughing friends.

    I didnt tell anyone about t even my mot people didnt kno. Clair.  sa I looked like my fate at time. But if t ts. Instead of s, mine  ra my coloring looked too pale, like somet was once darker and he sun.

    And my eyes, my motern  cuts of a s knife. I used to puso make til I could see te parts. But her asked me why I looked so scared.

    I o of my moture aken ion Station. Sayed til termine , or tizen. My fat izen. Some in a sea of immigration categories.

    My motalked about  my faterrible life tragedy s speak about. My fation papers: Betty St. Clair, crossing out  doead of 1914. So,  ead of a tiger.

    In ture you can see eal tc vents at top sernized suit jacket, ayliss padded stons. t from my fatfit so someplace.  do in  he black horizon of her head.

    And even t, aring up past the camera, wide open.

    quot;; I asked my father.

    And my fat ruggling to keep il t off, ten seconds later.

    My moten looked ting for someto er s truggle to keep her eyes open.

    quot;Dont look at ; said my motoing on t a building. S time,  slept for many years. And  and ips ted.

    quot; did so ; I her.

    quot;S a bad man,quot; said my mot;S .quot;

    And I kne  true. I kneo o onese or Englistle bit of Englised my motures, looks and silences, and sometimes a combination of Englisuated by ations and Cration: quot;S;—ords cannot come out. So my fat words in h.

    quot;I trying to say sired,quot; her became moody.

    quot;I t darn family in try!quot;  meal.

    But  possibly imagine. I could understand tly, but not t led to anot connection.

    quot;You must not ion but to sc; o walk by myself.

    quot;; I asked.

    quot;You cant understand t; she said.

    quot;?quot;

    quot;Because I  put it in your mind yet.quot;

    quot;?quot;

    quot;Aii-ya! Sucions! Because it is too terrible to consider. A man can grab you off treets, sell you to someone else, make you  can be done? Youll go to jail, die t;

    I kne a true ans I also made up lies to prevent bad ture. I often lied ranslate for ructions, notices from scelep;S;— meaning?—s a grocery store yelled at o smell told  C alloo s a notice  a polio vaccination, I told ime and place, and added t all students o use metal lunchey had discovered old paper bags can carry polio germs.

    quot;ere moving up in t; my fation to sales supervisor of a cloturer. quot;Your mot;

    And o San Francisco and up a o an Italian neigeep I o lean into t to get en and I he old fears behind in Oakland.

    tment building ories ments per floor. It ed fa鏰de, a recent layer of ucco topped ed roal fire-escape ladders. But inside it  door s narroo a musty lobby t smelled of everybodys life mixed toget t door next to ttle buzzers: Anderson, Giordino, . Clair. e lived on tuck bet floated up and feet sounds t drifted doreet, and at nigruggling to climb teep, fog-s;Are  t; A beagle scrambling to  to start er by fire truck sirens and an angry ability, I would soon fall asleep.

    My mot ment, but I didnt see t at first. ting settled, arranging ture, unpacking disures on t took  one er t, op, s a man whrew her off balance.

    . ood up straig ing, quot;I found you! Suzie ong, girl of my dreams! ; And arted rusoo do anyt moment as s go, I started to scream, seeing till screaming after top it, for C poor little girl and ;

    t of t of stores, srembled. Scig . And once ake  out of  ter, I started to slip ao look at t I kne t instant  s protected me better.

    As soon as  o put tables a quite rigc so t door to a he sofa.

    quot; are you doing?quot; I asked.

    S quot;t being balanced,quot; and I t s  . And tarted to move tables, a Chinese scroll of goldfish.

    quot;s going on ; asked my father when he came home from work.

    quot;S look better,quot; I said.

    And t day,  some terrible danger lay ahead.

    quot;; I asked rue answer.

    But sead: quot; your nature, you are not in balance. t too steep, and a bad op blorengt a;

    And tarted pointing to tment. quot;See  rangled. And tcoilet room, so all your ;

    quot;But  mean? s going to s not balanced?quot; I asked my mother.

    My fat to me later. quot;Your mot practicing ing instincts,quot; ;All mot it. Youll see w;

    I wondered whing more?

    And ter, I found out t my fat all along. I came o my bedroom, and sa. My mot against a  danger omaco have a baby.

    quot;See,quot; said my fat t;Nesting instincts. . And ;  see er sao bump into to table edges as if s omacained a baby, as if srouble instead. S speak of talked about a  t of balance, not in  t baby, t it uck someomachis crib in my room.

    it ttime life of my imagination cead of street sounds, I began to ment next door. t-door buzzer said a family called there.

    t first niging. A tened my ear against ting back. And nourned tourning onto our street, and I could ions fading in and out:o say!… out and stay out!…rathen!

    ts and ts, a motarting to slice  a braid, toe, a t of  of il t, no sounds.

    I lay back against my pillo nessed ion. A girl  been killed. I  been able to stop myself from listening. I  able to stop w  all.

    But t nigo life ing,  continued, niger nig my elling me t t possible t could error of not knoop.

    Sometimes I  separated our tment doors. tment airs going up to tairs going doo the lobby.

    quot;You break your legs sliding do banister, Im gonna break your neck,quot; a omping on tairs. quot;And dont forget to pick up Pops suits!quot;

    I kneerrible life so intimately t I artled by t time. I  door s  a fe a ted doairs and I quickly gato reet.

    S seem like a girl races of blood-stained clote blouse, a blue cardigan ser, and a blue-green pleated skirt. In fact, as I ce ily in ro  I  urned reet and  of my sight.

    Every time I sa, I end to look dotons on my ser, guilty t I kne her.

    My parents friends Auntie Su and Uncle Canning picked me up at scook me to tal to see my mot spoken ance.

    quot;It is no; said Uncle Canning, looking at ch.

    quot;time,quot; said Auntie Su.

    ed my motal, sossing back and fortaring at the ceiling.

    quot;My fault, my fault. I kne ; s;I did noto prevent it.quot;

    quot;Betty darling, Betty darling,quot; said my fatically. But my mot sing tions to  me, in a strange way, as if she were begging me for her life, as if I could pardon her. She was mumbling in Chinese.

    quot;Lena, o put in my moth.

    And for once, I  struck me t t possible t ened.

    quot;o be born,quot; s;I could already tle fingers, to stay inside. But tor, to pus, make , t and able, steaming h life.

    quot;  a stop looking at it. t oo! I could see all to o be, and tor sed!  an empty eggshell!

    quot;And to fill  air and rise up from table. turned to one side, to t looked rig to killing my ot to ;

    I could not tell my fat sy crib in ell him she was crazy?

    So t I translated for ;S all t ;

    After t, not all at once, but piece by piece, like plates falling off a s ing.

    Sometimes sart to make dinner, but op er running full steam in tables, silent, tears floimes ing and op and put our forks do;—It doesnt matter. My fat sit trying to figure out   didnt matter table, kno ime.

    My fato fall apart in a different o make tter. But it cching.

    quot;S tired,quot; o me  t tatue on  aring at e as if it ead of spagti.

    At  everyty eyes. My fatting my ;; but al me, to in my  in my stomac  I could feel it. I could feel every little movement in our silent  nigs on ten to deat edge lying across my neck, I used to  ter feeling sorry for myself, it comforted me someo t t door had a more unhappy life.

    But one niger dinner our doorbell rang. tairs first.

    quot;Lena, could you see ; called my fatc;restingquot; and it was as if s.

    I opened tiously, t   door. I stared at . S me, and s of bed hes on.

    quot;?quot; called my father.

    quot;Its next door!quot; I sed to my fat;Its…quot;

    quot;teresa,quot; she offered quickly.

    quot;Its teresa!quot; I yelled back to my father.

    quot;Invite ; my fat almost t t teresa squeezed past me and into our apartment. it being invited, sarted o door and follo he back of a horse.

    S over to my o open it. quot; are you doing?quot; I cried. S on t on treet. And t me and started to giggle. I sat docing for o stop, feeling the dark opening.

    quot;s so funny?quot; I finally said. It occurred to me t per me, at my life. Maybe sened tagnant silence of our unhappy house.

    quot;; I demanded.

    quot;My mot,quot; salked o be proud of t. And ttle and said, quot;e  and s t. So no outside til Im sorry enougo apologize. But Im not going to.quot;

    quot;t are you going to do?quot; I asked breatain t ime.

    quot;Im going to use your fire escape to climb back into my bedroom,quot; s;And so . And  be t; She giggled again.

    quot;ont s;

    quot;Na be glad Im not dead or sometend to be mad, sort of. e do tuff all time.quot; And through my window and soundlessly made her way back home.

    I stared at time,   serrible  s op?

    I lay doing to s. And late at nigill aupida girl. You almost gave me a  attack. And teresa  fell and broke my neck. And ting h love.

    I unned. I could almost see them, because I had been wrong.

    And in my memory I can still feel t beat in me t nigo ter day, niger niger year. I co  on t I kne t possible top. I still sa noo cill eresa errible fig I sahing else.

    I sa t being seen  a sold ;t die ts. It is to save you.quot;

    ted ted, cried out in terror and pain. But when she opened her eyes, she saw no blood, no shredded flesh.

    t;Do you see no;

    t;Noanding. I . After t possible t;

    And ter said, quot;No come back, to t;

    And the wall.