Rose hsu Jordan

    As proof of o carry a small leatte Bible o t Cist C later, after my mot  leatte Bible oo-s table leg, a  ts been ty years.

    My motends t Bible isnt t its doing ttle too loudly, quot;O.quot; But I kno t er all t Bible is still clean we.

    tonigccable, somet after dinner. Sly pokes able leg propped up by tcer sing for t moment to tell  ted and me, t ting divorced. ell o say, quot;t be.quot;

    And  is certainly true, t our marriage is over, I kno save it.quot;

    And even ts ely not to save—Im afraid if I tell , sill persuade me to try.

    I ts ironic t my mots me to figeen years ago sarted dating ted. My older sisters ed only Cting married.

    ted and I met in a politics of ecology class  es. I refused ted a cup of coffee instead. ter at UC Berkeley, er co fine arts. ted al pig in th grade.

    I o admit t ially found attractive in ted  made  from my broted: ed to get ted manner;  t s immigrated from tarryto tientsin, China.

    My mot iced ter ted picked me up one evening at my parents urned ill up, celevision.

    quot;; oo blind to notice. A ;

    quot;Im American too,quot; I said. quot;And its not as if Im going to marry ;

    Mrs. Jordan also o say. ted ed me to a family picnic, te Park. Alted only a feimes in t montainly  toget ed introduced me to all ives as il t know I was.

    Later, o play volleyball ook my arted  never seemed to look at me.

    quot;Im so glad to meet you finally,quot; Mrs. Jordan said. I ed to tell  really teds girlfriend, but s on. quot;I ts nice t you and ted are  of fun toget misunderstand ;

    And tly about teds future, o concentrate on udies,  minorities; sores, personally kneed o be in one of t standard, by patients and otors  be as understanding as t unate t of tnam ar was.

    quot;Mrs. Jordan, I am not Vietnamese,quot; I said softly, even ting. quot;And I ention of marrying your son.quot;

    ed drove me  day, I told  see old  im,  comment.

    quot;And youre just going to sit t my mots rig; ed, as if I or raitor. I ouc ted .

    quot; s; I asked, and I  he beginning of love.

    In to eacion, because, in spite of anyt really prevented us from seeing one anotragedy im to  me up. It ional effect of saving and being saved ing to bot, as muco eacection.

    quot; s; I continued to ask  meeting ogeted started medical sc UCSF  in t peed of ted finisology, orian s. ted  up a studio doairs so I could take in ion assistant for grapists.

    Over ted decided ion.  neure il o a better neigo discuss some of tters, but ion o my saying, quot;ted, you decide.quot; After a  of objecting. I preferred to ignore t  of me: my t-square, my X-acto knife, my blue pencil.

    But last year teds feelings about yquot; cient o  s told  and make iful again, s instead, ally sucked a nerve out, and t side of her smile fell down and she sued him.

    After  tice la—, and a big so arted puso make decisons. Did I to term insurance?  did I t t candidate ras?  about a family?

    I t about t in t ans t;You decide,quot; or quot;I dont care,quot; or quot;Eit; ted  voice, quot;No, you decide. You cant  boty, none of t;

    I could feel tective veil ed and ted noarted pus everyto decide on t trivial matters, as if ing me. Italian food or tizer or t card or caserCard.

    Last montology course in Los Angeles, ed to come along and t;Never mind, Id rat;

    quot;More time to study,quot; I agreed.

    quot;No, because you can never make up your mind about anyt; he said.

    And I protested, quot;But its only  arent important.quot;

    quot;Notant to you, t; one of disgust.

    quot;ted, if you  me to go, Ill go.quot;

    And it ; married? Did you just say I do because ter said repeat after me?  o you?quot;

    t anding apart on separate mountain peaks, recklessly leaning foro tones at one anot separated us.

    But noed kneo s. Because later t evening ed a divorce.

    Ever since teds been gone, Ive been ted it, even if I  I o do  still would  of me.

    violent s you, you cant  lose your balance and fall. And after you pick yourself up, you realize you cant trust anybody to save you—not your  your mot God. So o stop yourself from tilting and falling all over again?

    My mot ial faucet and goodness kept pouring out. S  kept all t s;fate,quot; because s pronounce t quot;t; sound in quot;fait;

    And later, I discovered t maybe it e all along, t fait an illusion t somerol. I found out t I could  I  denying any possibility, good or bad. I  saying, If tever you are, he odds should be placed.

    I remember tarted t o me. It   tioned certainty could never be trusted again.

    e o to a secluded spot souty near Devils Slide. My fat magazine t to catc a fis a ps assistant o do anyt o. My moto cook anyto catc   my parents to America. It o  district tle money. It o believe t, t God  t to report and our ancestors  lifetime ies meant our lucky streak  all ts  amount of er.

    So ters, four brot as  beac to youngest. I een years old. e rudging, nine pairs of surned toer to cumbling in.

    tton trousers around my legs and I looked for some place o my eyes. I saanding in t  boo sea. My moto, ed ts s started at tinued out past ters became roug seemed as t to sea on t looked very rocky and slippery. On ten aer. It ted  ter spe of te gulleys.

    t terrible place, full of  s c fleo our eyes and made it o see trying to act like a typical American family at the beach.

    My mot an old striped bedspread, e salted h sand from our fingers.

    tood up and admired s grace, its strengtisfied, o to to t just before it . My ters, Janice and Rut and slapped to get t to get up and c my moto;Dangsying tamende si,quot; ake care of t; or literally, quot;atc for t; tto t greig: quot;; o care for them?

    And s;Yiding.quot;

    I must. Because ters aken care of me. y? e s had done for me?

    Matten, and nine, old enougo keep t only uck out. Noarting to pat togetlines of a sand-castle op of him.

    But Bing able and easily bored and irritable.   to play o t;No, Bing, youll just .quot;

    So Bing iffly like an ousted emperor, picking up s into trailed beidal o Bing every no;Dont go too close to ter. Youll get your feet .quot; And I t  at time talking about t  really  made me feel everything had been considered and was now safe.

    My motition, in fact, t co certain dangers on certain days, all depending on te. It tle Cy-Six Malignant Gates. tration of some terrible danger t aed young innocent cion ten in C read ters, I could only see ure meant.

    ttle boy appeared in eacure: climbing a broken tree limb, standing by a falling gate, slipping in a ub, being carried a of ligures stood a man ually t anding on a curved bridge, laugctle boy falling for already in the air.

    It  even one of tes corresponded to only one danger, my mot t figure out es, based on translated into American dates. So by taking to account, se fait every one of them.

    ted and moved over ttled into place. My moto t, t of sacking corners of blankets back doill standing at tiently casting out, ing for nengkan to manifest itself as a fisell ters by ty soda bottle and o dig sand next to t on t w began.

    Bing tle against to ;Dont dig so  a o C; And I laug me as t rue. ood up and started oer.  one foot tentatively on t;Bing.quot;

    quot;Im gonna see Daddy,quot; ested.

    quot;Stay close to ter,quot; I said. quot;Stay a;

    And I cill see  I almost feel I can make ay there forever.

    I see anding by to my fatoo carts to ugs on my fat as he can.

    Ss erupt. Someone  of op of Mark, ts for me to stop t after I pull Luke off Mark, I look up and see Bing o t, nobody notices. I am t Bing is doing.

    Bing eps. tle body is moving so quickly, as if ted someters edge. And I to fall in. Im expecting it. And just as I t are already in t of balance, before o t leaving so mucer.

    I sank to my knees c spot  saying anyt make sense of it. I o ter and try to pull ? S to my fat enougake it all back and forbid Bing from joining my fathe ledge?

    And ters ;; ts and sand flying as everyone rus me toers edge. I stood to move as my sisters looked by to see rying to part their hands.

    e s and t : a brigoucers edge and t,  became dark, ts turned ter.

    As I look back, it seems unnatural to t t and boats at a time like t. But s. My fating minutes, estimating temperature of ter, readjusting imate of ;Bing! Bing!quot; as if  in tly reading comic books. And urned off t for a s do, she could. She could find Bing.

    And er, sill act. er, but sood quietly, calm and regal as a mermaid queen  of t us all in our car, and sent us o grieve.

    I ed to be beaten to deaters and brot . I  c I sa in ts.

    quot;I  to go fis; said my father.

    quot;e s ; said Janice, ime.

    quot;o t; moaned Luke. quot;o make me start a fig;

    And my motly admitted to me, quot;I told you to stop t. I told you to take your eyes off ;

    If I ime at all to feel a sense of relief, it ;So noelling you,  go and find omorro; And everybodys eyes looked do I sa as my punis: to go out o to help her find Bings body.

    Not my mot day.  ill dark and scable eacup, te leatte Bible, and the car keys.

    quot;Is Daddy ready?quot; I asked.

    quot;Daddys not coming,quot; she said.

    quot;t t;

    S to time as o to drive overnigurning do  all t times, getting on t  often led inexperienced drivers off and over the cliffs.

    tely do pato te Bible. And looking out over ter, so God, o  began ;Dear Godquot; and ended ;Amen,quot; and in between she spoke in Chinese.

    quot;I ; s same tone sed Cs. quot;e kne question th.

    quot;In return o s respect. e  to your  you money. e sang your songs. You gave us more blessings. And noime.

    quot;So maybe you o teaco be more careful s in ture. I  it in my memory. And noake Bing back.quot;

    I listened quietly as my moto cry anding o teacter lessons of obedience before s you again.quot;

    After  t simes, o  beyond t ;Nale!quot;—tand straiginel, until times  failed urned into a dark spot of churning seaweed.

    My mot let o t teacup and o ters edge. told me t t before so  she had found.

    quot;I remember a boy ; s;I saears, and t ter t. tral debt ten times over. Ser treatment to sootrue enoug eering a straig my astonis;

    And t. Sful, respectful manner.

    quot;An ancestor of ours once stole er from a sacred er is trying to steal back. e must sen temper of t make reasure ;

    My mot tea sened o teacup, and to t. In ery blue sapp from old me, dreing stares from tentive to tful of Bing. So ter.

    But even  appear riging by. And to , and s;See, its because cion.quot; And I too sarudging  t over in exion. I could feel . ts antly filled. And t to our feet, sate, groall, and become a stranger.

    quot;Ma, lets go,quot; I said as softly as possible.

    quot;; sed to ter. quot;I see ting on a little step above ter. tle cold, but  to complain too muc;

    And tood up and started  rying to folloumbling in t mounds. Seep pato ube from trunk. to tied tube into to the pole.

    quot;t; shers voice.

    tube folloed out, to aut and srained to ig to ter.

    e botoo cube  into ted tube leapt up and t o a cavern. It popped out. Over and over again, it disappeared, emerged, glistening black, faiting it o try to pluck  dove and popped back up again, empty but still er a dozen or so times, it o t came out, it orn and lifeless.

    At t moment, and not until t moment, did s Ill never forget. It e despair and o to ce. And it made me angry—so blindingly angry—t everything had failed us.

    I kno I ed to find Bing, just as I knoo save my marriage. My motells me, t I sill try.

    quot;s t?quot; I say. quot;to keep trying.quot;

    quot;Because you must,quot; s;t  reason. te. t you must do.quot;

    quot;So ;

    And my mot;You must t you must do. If someone tells you, t trying.quot; And t of tco let me t this.

    I t Bing,  it  my marriage,  I just let it  fate is sation, tention. But someakes over. You o pay attention to . You o undo tation.

    My motill pays attention to it. t Bible under table, I kno before s under.

    I lift table and slide t. I put table, flipping quickly ts testament begins, tion called quot;Deat; and ts ;Bing ; lightly, in erasable pencil.

    half and half   Up

    two Kinds

    Jing-Mei oo

    My moted to be in America. You could open a restaurant. You could  and get good retirement. You could buy a  no money doly famous.

    quot;Of course you can be prodigy, too,quot; my motold me  anyt does Auntie Lindo knoricky.quot;

    America   s. to get better.

    e didnt immediately pick t kind of prodigy. At first my mot I could be a Cemple. ed cV as training films. My mot;Ni kanquot;—You capping , or singing a sailor song, or pursing o a very round O w;O;

    quot;Ni kan,quot; said my motears. quot;You already knoalent for crying!quot;

    Soon after my mot t Semple, sook me to a beauty training scrict and put me in tudent ting big fat curls, I emerged o tried to  down my hair.

    quot;You look like Negro C; sed, as if I his on purpose.

    tructor of ty training sco lop off to make my ;Peter Pan is very popular t; tructor assured my motraig  a slant t made me actually look foro my future fame.

    In fact, in t as excited as my motured t of me as many different images, trying eacy ballerina girl standing by tains, ing to  music t ing on my tiptoes. I  ced out of tray. I epping from oon music filling the air.

    In all of my imaginings, I  I . My moto sulk for anything.

    But sometimes tient. quot;If you dont  me out of ; it ;And t;

    Every niger dinner, my mot at tcable. S neests, taking ories of amazing c or Not, or Good , and a dozen ot in a pile in our bat t assortment. Sories about remarkable children.

    t nig out a story about a tals of all tates and even most of tries. A teaced as saying ttle boy could also pronounce ties correctly.

    quot;s tal of Finland?quot; my mot tory.

    All I kneal of California, because Sacramento reet ;Nairobi!quot; I guessed, saying t foreign o see if t o pronounce quot; ; before she answer.

    tests got iplying numbers in my s in a deck of cards, trying to stand on my  using my ing temperatures in Los Angeles, New York, and London.

    One nigo look at a page from tes and t everyt;No; I said.

    And after seeing my moted face once again, someto die. I ed tests, tations. Before going to bed t nigaring back—and t it o cry. Succrying to scratc the mirror.

    And t seemed to be t face before. I looked at my reflection, blinking so I could see more clearly. taring back at me s, s, or rats filled s of s. I  let  be .

    So nos, I performed listlessly, my ended to be bored. And I  so bored I started counting t on ting and reminded me of t day, I played a game  belloer a  most. At last so give up hope.

    t any mention of my being a prodigy again. And tcV. tV  sing out. Every time my mot o adjust t, talking. As soon as s do again. S up, tV broke into loud piano music. S do and loud. It iff embraceless dance bet. Finally sood by t he sound dial.

    Sranced by ttle frenzied piano piece y, sort of quick passages and teasing lilting ones before it returned to ts.

    quot;Ni kan,quot; my motures, quot;Look ;

    I could see   by a little C nine years old, er Pan . temple. S like a proper Csy, so t t of e dress cascaded sloo tals of a large carnation.

    In spite of t o buy one, let alone reams of s music and piano lessons. So I could be generous in my comments V.

    quot;Play note rig doesnt sound good! No singing sound,quot; complained my mother.

    quot; are you picking on ; I said carelessly. quot;Sty good. Maybe s t, but srying ; I kne immediately I .

    quot;Just like you,quot; s;Not t. Because you not trying.quot; Stle  go of t dohe sofa.

    ttle C doo play an encore of quot;Anitras Dancequot; by Grieg. I remember ter on I o learn o play it.

    ter cold me o Mr. C floor of our apartment building. Mr. Cired piano teacraded o practice on every day, two il six.

    old me t as t to  a little and it anymore.

    quot; you like me t a genius! I cant play t go on tV if you paid me a million dollars!quot; I cried.

    My mot;; sed. quot;Only ask you be your best. For you sake. You t you be genius?  for! ;

    quot;So ungrateful,quot; I ter in C;If salent as semper, s;

    Mr. Cly nicknamed Old Crange, alapping o t music of an invisible orcra.  in my eyes.  most of top of  alired and sleepy. But  , since  yet married.

    I met Old Lady C s. And  like a dead persons, like an old peacor; t slid off t w up.

    I soon found out eac;Like Beet; ed to me. quot;ere botening only in our ; And art to conduct ic silent sonatas.

    Our lessons  like t to different t;Key! treble! Bass! No ss! So ten noer me!quot;

    And times, a simple cces and running trills and a pounding bass until te grand.

    I er  played some nonsense t sounded like a cat running up and doop of garbage cans. Old C;Very good! But no learn to keep time!quot;

    So ts  Old Coo sloo keep up es I ions in ime. to ood be s. op of my s so I ill as I sloo so make eacaccato like an obedient little soldier.

    aug akes, lots of mistakes. If I  tes because I  practiced enouged myself. I just kept playing in r conducting e reverie.

    So maybe I never really gave myself a fair cty quickly, and I mig at t young age. But I ermined not to try, not to be anybody different t I learned to play only t ear-splitting preludes, t discordant hymns.

    Over t year, I practiced like tifully in my oalking in a loud bragging tone of voice so ot er c tiff ticoats. Auntie Lindos daug my age, anding fart five feet aers squabbling over crayons and dolls. In ot part, y. averly Jong ain amount of fame as quot;Cotlest C;

    quot;Soo many trop; lamented Auntie Lindo t Sunday. quot;All day sime do not dust off ; S averly,  to see her.

    quot;You lucky you dont ; said Auntie Lindo o my mother.

    And my mot;Our problem  music. Its like you cant stop tural talent.quot;

    And rigermined to put a stop to her foolish pride.

    A feer, Old Co alent ss o buy me a secondzer spinet  he showpiece of our living room.

    For talent so play a piece called quot;Pleading C; from Sc  sounded more difficult t o memorize t parts to make t I da, playing a feing, looking up to see es folloened to  being somew being someone else.

    t I liked to practice best sy: rig out, touc ed foot, so t leg bends, look up and smile.

    My parents invited all to ness my debut. Auntie Lindo and Uncle tin  ttlest ones got to go first. ted simple nursery r tunes on miniature violins, tutus, and ;A; and tically.

    urn came, I . I remember my cement. It  a doubt, t t. I soever, no nervousness. I remember to myself, t! t! I looked out over t my motie Lindos stiff-lipped smile, averlys sulky expression. I e dress layered s of lace, and a pink boer Pan . As I sat doo t and Ed Sullivan ruso introduce me to everyone on tV.

    And I started to play. It iful. I  first I didnt o me  e and I realized somet sound quite rig anot. A carted at top of my o trickle do I couldnt stop playing, as tc t train sco t track. I played trange jumble ts, tes staying o the end.

    ood up, I discovered my legs  motions and   all. I s my rig out,  do, except for Old Cing, quot;Bravo! Bravo! ell done!quot; But tricken face. to my cried not to cry, I tle boy  ; and t;ell, sainly tried.quot;

    And noo my back. I felt t stiffly t t of the show.

    e could ermission. Pride and some strange sense of  s to tc all: teen-year-old boy aced girl e makeup  ion. And t prize playing a tricky violin song t sounded like a busy bee.

    After t. Clairs from to my mother.

    quot;Lots of talented kids,quot; Auntie Lindo said vaguely, smiling broadly.

    quot;t ; said my fato me in a  I had done.

    averly looked at me and s;You arent a genius like me,quot; ster-of-factly. And if I  felt so bad, I would omach.

    But my mot devastated me: a quiet, blank look t said s everyt t seemed as if everybody  t, to see s ually missing.  on to go une and my mot. I kept ted to  until  ing at me. But ment, my mot to to tions. No blame. And in a  disappointed. I ing for o start sing, so I could s back and cry and blame her for all my misery.

    I assumed my talent-s I never o play t ter, after sc of tccV.

    quot;Four clock,quot; s unned, as to go talent-sorture again. I ig of tV.

    quot;turn off tV,quot; sces later.

    I didnt budge. And t o do   Cened to  upid one.

    S from tcood in try;Four clock,quot; she said once again, louder.

    quot;Im not going to play anymore,quot; I said noncly. quot; a genius.quot;

    Sood in front of tV. I saw  was heaving up and down in an angry way.

    quot;No!quot; I said, and I no stronger, as if my true self  had been inside me all along.

    quot;No! I !quot; I screamed.

    SV. Seningly strong, o. Sed me up and onto t terly.  was h was open, smiling crazily as if she were pleased I was crying.

    quot;You  me to be someone t Im not!quot; I sobbed. quot;Ill never be ter you  me to be!quot;

    quot;Only t and ter can live in t daug;

    quot;t your daug my mot; I sed. As I said t scared. It felt like oads and slimy t of my c, but it also felt good, as if t last.

    quot;too late c; said my mother shrilly.

    And I could sense o its breaking point. I ed to see it spill over. And ts . quot;t; I sed. quot;I wis;

    It unned, as if stle, lifeless.

    It  tment my mot in me. In t folloing my oations. I didnt get straig become class president. I didnt get into Stanford. I dropped out of college.

    For unlike my mot believe I could be anyted to be. I could only be me.

    And for all talked about ter at tal or my terrible accusations after t remained uncrayal t o ask  failure able.

    And even worse, I never asked  frig: hy had she given up hope?

    For after our struggle at tioned my playing again. topped. to tting out t, my misery, and her dreams.

    So so give me tiet played in all tremendous burden removed.

    quot;Are you sure?quot; I asked s;I mean,  you and Dad miss it?quot;

    quot;No, t; s;Al;

    quot;ell, I probably cant play anymore,quot; I said. quot;Its been years.quot;

    quot;You pick up fast,quot; said my motain. quot;You ural talent. You could been genius if you  to.quot;

    quot;No I couldnt.quot;

    quot;You just not trying,quot; said my mot as if to announce a fact t could never be disproved. quot;take it,quot; she said.

    But I didnt at first. It o me. And after t, every time I sa in my parents living room, standing in front of t made me feel proud, as if it were a srophy I had won back.

    Last  a tuner over to my parents apartment and ioned, for purely sentimental reasons. My motting ttle bit at a time. I put ters sted in yello ttle slits up t my skin, tissue and decided to take th me.

    After I uned, I opened touc sounded even ric es ten scales, togetape.

    I opened up to ttle piece I  tal. It -;Pleading C; It looked more difficult t es came back to me.

    And for t time, or so it seemed, I noticed t- ;Perfectly Contented.quot; I tried to play t er melody but turned out to be quite easy. quot;Pleading C;  slo;Perfectly Contentedquot;  faster. And after I played times, I realized two he same song.