Lena St. Clair
to terious ability to see t seet of another.
But s predict our family. And s causes t no so stop them.
One time ment sat too steeply on t dead, and it did.
ures store opened up across treet from our bank, my mots money drained aer, an officer of ted for embezzlement.
And just after my fat year, s my fate t t sered it fait s roots and no er could get to it. topsy report ser received sy-percent blockage of teries before attack at ty-four. My fat C Englishree eggs sunnyside up every morning.
I remember ty of my moting my boug she will see.
o find t of -rig do roads, unmarked because ts alear doo keep out salesmen, developers, and city inspectors. e are only a forty-minute drive to my motment in San Francisco. ty-minute ordeal coming back from San Francisco, to to t, soucly to ly said, quot;Ai, tire squealing.quot; And ttle later, quot;too mucear and ;
I could see eering ient cars t e. And I ly glad to c. ailgated old ladies in they pulled over.
And at time, I ed myself for being mean-spirited, for torment. Yet I couldnt ed morning, before ;You serminators, because Mirugai is your cat and so ts only fair.quot;
None of our friends could ever believe t our problems are muc, so deep I dont even knoom is.
And no my motaying for a il tricians are done reend notter.
Meanually s really ask, s says, quot;Aii, so muc; as s of ts alo my moterms: quot;ell, you see, its tails t cost so mucs , its s really .quot;
And my mot;Bleac so muc;
During our brief tour of t of t;running do; S room ; Stle spatters of oil. My motails t cost so mucill a barn.
S annoys me t all ss. But true. And t else is going on, beto o us. Because I remember somet years old.
My motold me I would marry a bad man.
quot;Aii, Lena,quot; ser t dinner so many years ago, quot;your future finis;
S my bo;I once kno;
And I t of a mean neiginy pits in rue, t twelve and his name was Arnold.
Arnold my legs to be my future cold bo feo my mout my mot my future Arnold but someone whe porcelain in my now clean bowl.
But my mot;Yesterday, you not finis; I t of t lined my bo. By te, my eig greerror-stricken over ty t my future ed to be to my poor eating s, ually resemble ters of the moon.
t to remember from my c it is actually a memory I recall from time to time ure of nausea and remorse. My loato suc t I eventually found a o make one t from anot could loosely connected coincidences. And rue or not, I knoention someto o look at all events and all t, an opportunity to take or avoid.
I found tunity. told me about ture Sunday sceacs so t all es of one anoteac us, a roomful of squirmy, ito God, to do Gods ;
S;I you to t a nickels eacys, your Necco to to see. And I also you to t rue blessings in life really are.quot;
And t tor clattering ao tree trunks, ed as jungle vines. But t terrible of tions s and pustules, cracks and bumps, and fissures t I ed . If my motold me tims of future o eat platefuls of food.
After seeing terrible t I o do so I o marry Arnold. I began to leave more rice in my boended my prodigal ter sando a candy bar and sas and creamy goo, I sacrificed t as well.
I considered t probably noto Arnold, t not get leprosy, move to Africa and die. And ty t .
die rig, it er, by opped eating, not because of Arnold, to be faseen-year-old girls o suffer as teenagers. I ting at t table, ing for my moto finisly ting o ther.
quot;Oen to t; ill dabbing. And ts ed to Cal State o become a podiatrist.
quot;Doctors first baffled by t is extremely rare and generally attacks cen and ty, monto years after tracted t; read my fat;ted noticed ion problems and mental letil o a coma. teen, never regained consciousness.
quot;Didnt you kno boy?quot; asked my fatood te.
quot;t; said my mot me. quot;terrible s;
And I t s so die. I errified.
t nigolen a raer spoonful do. And later, for several er t, I sat side my bedroom, retco tainer. And I remember eating someterrible, errible could make me feel so good.
t t I could so ridiculous. Perined to be my o myself, even today, s cies and exact opposites? for orture? t racted measles to e place— of wounded love?
And even some part, . I didnt get Arnold. I got harold.
tectural firm, Livotny amp; Associates. Only ny is a partner and I am an associate. e met eigarted Livotny amp; Associates. I y-eig assistant, and y-four. e botaurant design and development division of harned Kelley amp; Davis.
e started seeing eaco talk about ts, and tab rigendency to gain ed meeting secretly for dinner, ill divided the bill.
And continued t do. Sometimes I insisted on paying for tip. And it really didnt bother me.
quot;Lena, youre really extraordinary,quot; er six mont-prandial lovemaking, and one imid and silly love confessions. e ained in revealing places, not very romantic.
And ;I dont t anotoget;—and I remember feeling a ;anot; because I could imagine dozens, o buy , lunco feel their skin.
t my neck and said in a rus;Nor anyone w and squis;
And , I s revelation of love, wondering raordinary.
No Im angry at s o remember ies, because I t stupid to fall in love o marry , and consequently all tune moving in fears: t ell me I smelled bad, t I errible bats, t my taste in music and television a neion for t; t you ;
And I t feeling of fear never left me, t I ly, a friend of mine, Rose, old me ts are commonplace in women like us.
quot;At first I t it y,quot; Rose said. quot;Or t maybe it everytao and not make my t said, ure, your ety? And I remembered reading an article about baby boomers, t and maybe s all diminisurns after a certain age.quot;
And after my talk better about myself and I t, Of course, s. exactly ainly attractive in t ellectual be a raving beauty, but a lot of ell me Im quot;exoticquot; in an unusual my breasts dont sag, no small breasts are in. Plus, one of my clients said I ality and exuberance.
So I t like bad karma. ere equals. Im also smart. I uitive, old o start his own firm.
ill ; arted your ooday, youd aurant clients.quot;
And ;s love.quot;
And I sed back, laug;More t good. Youre t taurant design and development. You kno and I kno, and so do a lot of restaurant developers.quot;
t o quot;go for it,quot; as it, ed ever since a bank I used to ed ts employee productivity contest.
But still, I said to ; to , too. I mean, youre going to need money to start t;
aking any money from me, not as a favor, not as a loan, not as an investment, or even as t on a partnersionsoo muc to contaminate it ;I a any more t one. As long as e, well always be sure of our love for eac;
I ed to protest. I ed to say, quot;No! Im not really t money, t. Im really into giving freely. I …quot; But I didnt knoed to ask ing love in all its t Id been ing to ime.
quot;Actually, you could if you moved in you paid to me…quot;
quot;ts a ; I said immediately, kno didnt matter t t on my studio ra money, no matter wh.
So arted Livotny amp; Associates, and I to coordinator. And no, get aurant clients of , ened to sue if over t year. So I gave alks in told garde tic restaurant design, to differentiate her firms.
quot;; I said. quot;s anota place in sleek Italian moderno? o of tos t are just clones of t every time. Get tors o American ingenuity.quot;
said, quot;I love it .
So I stammered out my love. quot;You…you…could do neing places…a…a…uff, mom at tcresses leaning over telling you to finish your soup.
quot;And maybe…maybe you could do a novel-menu restaurant…foods from fiction…sand desserts from Nora Epburn. And somet;
ually listened to me. ook ted, met still, I remember, it was my idea.
And today Livotny amp; Associates is a groime people, aurant design, ill like to call quot;ting.quot; man, tect, tation to a ne. I erior designer, because, as seem fair to ted me just because er arted Livotny amp; Associates. And even t udies, I took only one relevant course, in ter set design, for a college production of Madama Butterfly.
At Livotny amp; Associates, I procure ts. For one restaurant called tale, one of my prized findings enciled ;Overbored,quot; and I ture fised ranslating into feet. For a Laray S t, and I found the replicas of cobras lying on fake hollywood boulders.
I love my it too muc it, paid, o everybody except me, I get upset.
So really, t seven times more t I make. oo, because it into my separate c.
Lately, being equals started to bots been on my mind, only I didnt really kno. I just felt a little uneasy about somet a all became clear. I ting t diso cer, op, e coffee mug o ttle domestic signs of familiarity, our daily ritual, made me s it ime o caring in return.
And o till feeling and I touc;; And ;I love you, too. Did you lock t; And just like t, I started to ts just not enough.
;Im going doo buy stuff for dinner. Steaks okay? ant anyt;
quot;ere out of rice,quot; I say, discreetly nodding tourned to me. S tc trellis of bougainvillea. And t the sound of crunching gravel as he drives away.
My motart to er ts. Sanding on iptoes, peering at a list stuck on our refrigerator door.
t says quot;Lenaquot; and quot;; and under eac and :
Lenu
chicken, veg., bread, broccoli, shampoo, beer $19.63
Maria (clean + tip) $65 groceries
(see s) $55.15
petunias, potting soil $14.11
Po developing $13.83
harold
Garage stuff $25.35
Batuff $5.41
Car stuff $6.57
Ligures $87.26
Road gravel $19.99
Gas $22.00
Car Smog Check $35
Movies amp; Dinner $65
Ice Cream $4.50
t over a y from my c.
quot; is ting?quot; asks my mother in Chinese.
quot;O t; I say as casually as I can.
And s me and fro doesnt say anyto reading t, time more carefully, moving em.
And I feel embarrassed, kno, tless talks, anding about not including personal t;mascara,quot; and quot;sion,quot; quot;; or quot;Bic s; quot;tampons,quot; or quot;ates foot po;
married at city ed on paying t my friend Robert to take pos. e y at our apartment and everybody broug t I sage of tgage based on age of community property; tten in our prenuptial agreement. Since e on is sleek, spare, and ; noto disrupt ttered look. As for vacations, togety-fifty. tanding t its a birtmas present, or an anniversary gift.
And rol pills, or dinners at ertain people I subscribe to but because hem for himself.
And ill argue about Mirugai, t—not our cat, or my cat, but t t o me for my birt year.
quot;t s; exclaims my motonisartled, ts about Mirugai. But ting to quot;ice creamquot; on . My mot remember t on ted, sitting next to t container of regurgitated ice cream. I could never stand tuff after t. And tartled once again to realize t iced t I dont eat any of the ice cream he brings home every Friday evening.
quot;;
My mot t up to o explain t: quot;So e false dependencies…be equals…love obligation…quot; But tand.
So instead I tell my mot;I dont really knos sometarted before married. And for some reason opped.quot;
urns from tore, arts te teaks, cook t table. My mots on a stool at te counter, drinking from a mug of coffee Ive poured for es stom of tissue suffed in er sleeve.
During dinner, ion going. alks about ts, expanding ting floulips and crocuses, clearing tyle tile batable and starts stacking tes in the dishwasher.
quot;?quot; o the freezer.
quot;Im full,quot; I say.
quot;Lena cannot eat ice cream,quot; says my mother.
quot;So it seems. S.quot;
quot;No, s it. S like.quot;
And noing me to translate her has said.
quot;Its true,quot; I say evenly. quot;Ive ed ice cream almost all my life.quot;
me, as if I, too, and.
quot;I guess I assumed you trying to lose weig;
quot;S see ; says my mot;S, disappear.quot;
quot;ts rig, ts great,quot; exclaims rying to rescue him.
After dinner, I put clean to room. My motting on t look to it: te ss and , polised gray walls.
tion is an odd-looking piece rig to table made out of a slab of unevenly cut marble and ts able and top starts to he vase quiver.
quot;Careful, its not too sturdy,quot; I say. table is a poorly designed piece t udent days. Ive al doesnt bear any of traits of quot;fluidityquot; t are so important to hese days.
quot; use for?quot; asks my motable ;You put sometop, everyt;
I leave my motairs. o let t air in. his every evening.
quot;Im cold,quot; I say.
quot;s t?quot;
quot;Could you close t;
me, sig, and ts doting on t kno t harold.
And before I even do it, I knoarting a fig is bigger to I do it anyo tor and I cross out quot;ice creamquot; on .
quot;s going on ;
quot;I just dont t credit for your ice cream anymore.quot;
;Suits me.quot;
quot;o be so goddamn fair!quot; I s.
s ed look. quot; is t you say ter?quot;
quot;I dont kno kno for everyt sired of it, adding tracting, making it come out even. Im sick of it.quot;
quot;You ed t.quot;
quot; are you talking about?quot;
quot;All rig terminators, .quot;
quot;ts not t!quot;
quot;tell me, please, ?quot;
I start to cry, alive. But I cant , because I realize no I dont kno of t is. Am I asking o support me? Am I asking to pay less top accounting for everyt inue to tally t I feel ten married in t place. Maybe his way.
None of it seems rig to note despair.
quot;I just to c; I say comes out like o t t, ;
quot;S,quot; t sounds like a voice, quot;ell, I kno more t. A lot more. And if you dont t , before you c;
And no knoo t am I saying? s in t saying anyt t in tance is ts stering, upstairs, and a chair scrapes across a wood floor.
arts to get up, but I say, quot;No, Ill go see.quot;
t t, quot;Ma?quot;
I see it rigable collapsed on top of its spindly black legs. Off to treer.
And tting by tte against t sky. Surns around in I cant see her face.
quot;Fallen do; s apologize.
quot;It doesnt matter,quot; I say, and I start to pick up t;I kne would ;
quot;t stop it?quot; asks my mother.
And its sucion.