averly Jong

    I aken my mot to lunc my favorite Caurant in ting  it er.

    at tions Restaurant, se disapproval. quot;Ai-ya! s tter ; she said in Chinese.

    quot; do you mean, s tter, quot; I said. quot;I  cut.quot; Mr. Rory yled my ly time, an asymmetrical blunt-line fringe t  side. It  radically so.

    quot;Looks c; s;You must ask for your money back.quot;

    I sig;Lets just oget;

    Sigtering, quot;Not too many good t; tapped ters arm, icks ;t me to eat ?quot; S  tea, and taurant patrons seated near us to do told ter to make sure t, and of course, it  estimate quot;not even luke;

    quot;You s get so upset,quot; I said to my moter sed a cra dollars because sea, instead of tea. quot;Besides, unnecessary stress isnt good for your .quot;

    quot;Not,quot; s a disparaging eye on ter.

    And s. Despite all tension sors  my mot age sixty-nine, een-year-old and trengts o be obstinate and frank to t of tactlessness. Sion, because Im a Rabbit, born in 1951, supposedly sensitive, endencies totery at t sign of criticism.

    After our miserable lunc time to tell  Ricting married.

    quot;; my friend Marlene Ferber . quot;Its not as if Ricax attorney like you, for Cicize t?quot;

    quot;You dont kno; I said. quot;S;

    quot;So elope ; said Marlene.

    quot;ts ; Marvin  .

    quot;So t; said Marlene.

    quot;So ; I said. quot;And t  for openers.quot;

    My mot Ric, every time I brougance, t Rico t Ricaken my four-year-old daugo to c.

    quot;Did I tell you,quot; I said as ed for t Four Directions, quot; time S torium? ;

    quot;O; interrupted my mot;I didnt tell you. Your fators say maybe need exploratory surgery. But no, no too mucipated.quot; I gave up. And tine.

    I paid for ten and ted out exact ceen cents, and put t on tray instead, explaining firmly: quot;No tip!quot; Sossed riump smile. And er a five-dollar bill. o me anding. her plan.

    quot;C;—Stinks to deattered my moturned. Stle travel package of Kleenex. S trust otoilet paper. quot;Do you need to use?quot;

    I s;But before I drop you off, lets stop at my place real quick. t to s;

    My mot been to my apartment in mont married, so drop by unannounced, until one day I suggested sime. Ever since to come unless I issue an official invitation.

    And so I cion to tment—from tine at I maintained after too mucime to keep my life in order—to t ctered oys, all brigic ttered parts. t of Ricy snifters on table, t Sook apart to see whe voices came from.

    quot;Its back ; I said. e kept o t ies spilling over. My motepped over running soys, Ricack of  back from the cleaners.

    ime long ago o a clinic to get our polio booster ss. As t into my brot me ten all over ;Next one doesnt .quot;

    But noice t oget t go aalk about it? So say something.

    I  to t and t t Ricmas. It  extravagant gift I had ever received.

    I put t on. quot;Its sort of a silly present,quot; I said nervously. quot;Its o  it seems to be a fad, ;

    My mot. So, bulging ies, my dresses, and Rics. She mink.

    quot;t so good,quot; s last. quot;It is just leftover strips. And too s, no long ;

    quot;icize a gift!quot; I protested. I ;.quot;

    quot;t is w; she said.

    And looking at t in t fend off trengty to make me see black ion of romance.

    quot;Arent you going to say anyt; I asked softly.

    quot; I s;

    quot;About tment? About t; I gestured to all t.

    So;You  to live like mess ;

    My moto  a nerve. And t sly like an electric jolt, t grounds itself permanently in my memory. I still remember t time I felt it.

    I en years old. Even ty to play c. It less, so easy. I could see t ot. I could create barriers to protect myself t o my opponents. And t gave me supreme confidence. I knes  exactly  trategy self as a devastating and irrevocable course. I loved to win.

    And my moto sropo discuss my games as if srategies.

    quot;I told my daugo run over t; s;S; And of course, s and a  o do h my winning.

    to our family friends  o be so smart to  tricks. You blo, and est. t kno;

    I ed tried to take all t. And one day I told ing at ockton Street, in told  kno s up. ords to t effect.

    t evening and t day s speak to me. Siff o my fatalking about a rotten fis w bes bad smell.

    I knerategy, to get someone to pounce back in anger and fall into a trap. So I ignored o speak and ed for o come to me.

    After many days  in my room, staring at ty-four squares of my crying to ts  playing chess.

    Of course I didnt mean to quit forever. At most, just for a feead of practicing in my room every nigo t do of television set ared at me, an unruder. I used my broto furto annoy them.

    quot;Ma!quot; ted. quot;Make op. Make ;

    But my mot say anything.

    Still I   I could see I ronger move. I decided to sacrifice a tournament t o play in it. And my motainly o speak to me about t associations art calling ing, pleading to make me play again.

    And tournament came and . And s come to me, crying, quot; playing c; But I  a boy her occasions had won.

    I realized my motricks t. But noired of ed to start practicing for t tournament. So I decided to pretend to let o speak first.

    quot;I am ready to play c; I announced to  special ted to eat.

    But instead, so a froared into my eyes, as if srut of me.

    quot;ell me t; sones. quot;You t is so easy. One day quit, next day play. Everyt, so easy, so fast.quot;

    quot;I said Ill play,quot; I whined.

    quot;No!quot; sed, and I almost jumped out of my scalp. quot;It is not so easy anymore.quot;

    I unned by  back to my room. I stared at my cs sixty-four squares, to figure out o undo terrible mess. And after staring like tually believed t I e squares black and te, and everyt.

    And sure enoug nig next to my bed, scolding me for going to sc my ser. In trained o figernoon, s in a cting me a pink ser  a ser t Auntie Suyuan  for er June, and   unattractive and of t yarn. I was so  she had become her usual self.

    But after I got , really, my moticed different c polisrop cut out tem t mentioned my name. It ly groping eaco see  was.

    At my next tournament,  enoug. And o isfied look, as if it rategy.

    I   just t tournament. I examined every move, every piece, every square. And I could no longer see t ion of eacakes, my   my magic armor. And everybody could see t o attack me.

    Over t feer montinued to play, but never  same feeling of supreme confidence. I fougion. eful, relieved. And error t I  I  t and urned into someone quite ordinary.

    to ted so easily a feopped playing cogetested. I een.

    quot;You kno understand you,quot; said Marlene er I . quot;You can tell to piss up a rope, but you cant stand up to your o;

    quot;I alend to and ttle sneaky ttle barbs, and…quot;

    quot; you tell o stop torturing you,quot; said Marlene. quot;tell o stop ruining your life. tell o s up.quot;

    quot;ts ; I said ;You  me to tell my moto s up?quot;

    quot;Sure, ;

    quot;ell, I dont knos explicitly stated in t you cant ever tell a Co s up. You could be co your o;

    I  so muc stack icize  at first. t someticed, and t like a little piece of sand, one from tion, anotil er, rategy, tack, I  some unseen speck of truto my eye, blur ransform  o someone quite mundane, mortally iresome s and irritating imperfections.

    to my first marriage, to Marvin Ceen and een. . ed t Lo a full sco Stanford. ennis. y-six straig. e love positions for different days and o ernoonquot; and Id shiver.

    But by time my mot  no ennis balls to run aies.  knoraigo tell big jokes to make ottle. en-dollar tips to strangers but ingy s to family.  ernoon ant taking .

    My feelings for Marvin never reace. No, it   from disappointment to contempt to apatic boredom. It  until after ed, on nig I wondered if perher had poisoned my marriage.

    t affect my daug aborted  I , I ly referred to my pregnancy as my quot;groment,quot; and I dragged Marvin doo to suffer too. It turned out  to tcerrible bit of puritanical brainle t seven iny, tiny fingers. And t translucent fingers could move, t iny fingers—so t. I found every detail about o be remarkable, especially t s away from o cry, I knew my feelings for her were inviolable.

    But I  I . ed notence ime,  ter—because of me. ic; ed il  me. And tic gestures all t ;FYI—For Your Informationquot; notes to legal briefs and corporate returns t I o revietom: quot;FYI—Forever You amp; I.quot; t kno our relations kind of reckless be thrilled me.

    try   types ;Am I ing you?quot;  tuned to my every movement I le treasures. e aspects of me—and I mean not just sexual private parts, but my darker side, my meanness, my pettiness, my self-loat  ely naked, and  tly t t t moment.  alloo cover myself up. raigell me somet why he loved me.

    Id never kno it ried to store every one of ts about Rico call upon time was necessary.

    After muc, I came up  plan. I concocted a  my mot, I arranged it so my mot to cook a meal especially for ie Suyuan. Auntie Su  tormenting eacs and secrets. And I gave Auntie Su a secret to boast about.

    After ed to Ric op by for a surprise visit to my Auntie Su and Uncle Canning. t a fe of my motment. It e afternoon, just in time to catcie Su preparing Sunday dinner.

    quot;Stay! Stay!quot; sed.

    quot;No, no. Its just t ; I said.

    quot;Already cooked enoug eat it, only o t aed!quot;

    er, Auntie Suyuan ter from Ric;Ric  Casted,quot; I e.

    And t day, my moto invite me to a belated birt was bringing oo.

    I kne;Just be sure to tell er t  you ever tasted, t it ter tie Sus,quot; I told Ric;Believe me.quot;

    t of t in tccing for t moment to tell  our marriage plans, t  married next July, about seven mont into ering at time about Auntie Suyuan: quot;S a recipe. My instructions are in my fingers. I kno ingredients to put in just by using my nose!quot; And sy, seemingly inattentive to  I s of t and shredded pork dish.

    I  Ricinized o toe, c t already given to ie Suyuan. I tried to anticipate icisms she would have.

    Ric only not Cunately,  on t side, compactly built. In s,  easily forgettable, like somebodys nep a funeral.  notice  year oget t my moticed everything.

    quot;So ; I finally asked, h.

    Sossed t in t oil and it made a loud, angry ;So many spots on ; she said.

    I could feel t;t; I said a bit too edly in trying to raise my voice above tchen.

    quot;O; sly.

    quot;Yes, ts tter. Everybody kno.quot;

    S and t;Maybe true.  ts, you o stay en days. So lucky, you t.quot;

    I couldnt save Ricc save er at table.

    a bottle of Frenc knos could not appreciate. My parents did not even oake of drinking not one but ted glasses full,  for taste.quot;

    ed on using ticks. riced eggplant. o c took several minutes to get So stop ser.

    And to big portions of t realizing aken only a polite spoonful, until everybody had had a morsel.

    閑d neender and expensive leaves of bean plants plucked before ts turn into beans. And So eat ting to Ric; eat t eat t;

    e by refusing seconds, ions of seconds, t resist anote of somet  .

    But t  even kno  nigo direct it toable dish special pride.

    quot;Ai! t salty enoug; ser tasting a small bite. quot;It is too bad to eat.quot;

    to eat some and proclaim it t s before  needs is a little soy sauce.quot; And o pour a riverful of ty black stuff on tter, righers horrified eyes.

    And even t t my mother would somehow see Richs kindness, his sense of humor and boyish charm, I knew he had failed miserably in her eyes.

    Ric opinion on   niger  So bed, ly, quot;ell. I t it off A-o-kay.quot; ian, panting, loyal, ing to be petted.

    quot;U; I said. I ting on an old nig t I  feeling amorous. I ill ss  same easy familiarity s. quot;Linda, tim,quot; ;; My parents names are Lindo and tin Jong, and nobody, except a fe names.

    quot;So ting married. I old Ric I ell my mot and let o my father.

    quot;I never ; I said, ting married,  we were alone, so remark on o drink, or o be.

    Ric; take to say, Mom, Dad, Im getting married?quot;

    quot;You dont understand. You dont understand my mot;

    Ric; again. alking about t dead guy sy, I t salking about somet ime ago.quot;

    t niger tense. I est failure, made  t Rico it all. ic. So patic, t again, making me see black ions, relentless in , alo find my  spots.

    I e, eet;Morning, doll,quot;  t into to my parents apartment.

    Marlene ell my mot I knehousand flying cleavers.

    My fato see me. quot;; I asked, trying to keep my breatured to the living room in back.

    I found ing on a ill. All rengted.

    And t serrible ts about  of my life, and sing out of o escape my terrible red.

    quot;Ma!quot; I said s;Ma!quot; I ing to cry.

    And ;S you?quot;

    I urned, only no creases of ;;

    I didnt knoo do or say. In a matter of seconds, it seemed, I rengto being amazed by ened by y. And no numb, strangely opped.

    quot;Notter. I dont knoed to talk to you….I ed to tell you…Ricting married.quot;

    I squeezed my eyes s, ing to ests, s, t of painful verdict.

    quot;Jrdaulequot;—I already knoo ask welling his again.

    quot;You kno;

    quot;Of course. Even if you didnt tell me,quot; she said simply.

    ticized t, ;I kno good enoug I…quot;

    quot;e? e your future ;

    quot;You never  to talk about arted to tell you about  torium, you…you c…you started talking about Dads exploratory surgery and t;

    quot; is more important, explore fun or explore sickness?quot;

    I  going to let ime. quot;And t s on ;

    S me, puzzled. quot;Is t true?quot;

    quot;Yes, but, you said it just to be mean, to  me, to…quot;

    quot;Ai-ya, ; ;So you t meaning. But it is you raigigogetears.

    Orengt. My mind  do to ricken by ther.

    I felt as if I  a battle, but one t I didnt kno;Im going ; I finally said. quot;Im not feeling too good rig;

    quot;You ; sting her hand on my forehead.

    quot;No,quot; I said. I ed to leave. quot;I…I just dont know ws inside me rig;

    quot;tell you,quot; sared at ;; s;is from your fatural. tonese people. Good,  people. Altimes tempered and stingy. You kno;

    And I o myself, elling me t does to do  my motinued to speak, smiling broadly, s; Se ters out on tting t I cannot read Chinese.

    quot;e are a smart people, very strong, tricky, and famous for -sen, ;

    I nodded.

    quot; o turies ago, so  exactly taiyuan, from before t;

    I sill didnt kno soot seemed like t time ion.

    quot; to battle  at Sun eis ;

    quot;Geng ed some magic arro; I said. quot;After all, ;

    My moted as if s . quot;true,  all good stuff from taiyuan.quot;

    quot;I guess o just oy and electronics market,quot; I said.

    quot;; she asked eagerly.

    quot;You see it on everytai;

    quot;Ai!quot; s;Im not from tai;

    And just like t, tion arting to build snapped.

    quot;I ; s;tai C;

    quot;ell, I only t you said tai sounds t; I argued, irritated t s by sucentional mistake.

    quot;Sound is completely different! Country is completely different!quot; s;People t it is C go of C;

    e sank into silence, a stalemate. And ted up. quot;Noen. You can also say taiyuan is Bing. Everyone from t city calls it t. Easier for you to say. Bing, it is a nickname.quot;

    Se doer, and I nodded as if tly clear. quot;t; s;You call Apple for Ne;

    quot;Nobody calls San Francisco t!quot; I said, laug;People  dont knoter.quot;

    quot;Noand my meaning,quot; said my motriumply.

    I smiled.

    And really, I did understand finally. Not  w rue all along.

    I sa o tacks.  o find my  spots. But in tant t I  ting needle for ting a little crabby as sed patiently for er to invite her in.

    Rico postpone our  a good time to go to C returned from a trip to Beijing and taiyuan.

    quot;It is too  in ts and t; sells Ricures oo me, quot;Can you believe  of  your s, tactful nature.quot;

    quot;You must go in October. t is t time. Not too , not too cold. I am too,quot; satively. And tily adds: quot;Of course not ;

    I laug;td be great, Lindo. You could translate all t eating snakes or dogs by mistake.quot; I almost kick him.

    quot;No, t my meaning,quot; insists my mot;Really, I am not asking.quot;

    And I knoo Ce it. t dirty cicks and cold soup, t er.

    Yet part of me also t sense. tepping on togetting side by side, lifting off, moving est to reac.