Rose hsu Jordan

    I used to believe everyt knole, sold me s  gs ;oo-; to be let in. S unless he room.

    And all true to me. t strong.

    S if I listened to er I en to oo easily to ot ing meaning, because ttom of ts, w belong.

    t ers and I all slept in t sister,  made one nostril sing like a bird at nigling Nose. Rut because soes out in tc my eyes so I  o see to do. During t to fall asleep. I clung to to leave this world for dreams.

    quot;Your sisters o see Old Mr. C; my moto my mot opened into dreams. quot;Are you ready to go see Old Mr. Coo?quot; And every night I would shake my head.

    quot;Old Mr. Cakes me to bad places,quot; I cried.

    Old Mr. Cook my sisters to sleep. t before. But Old Mr. Cried to , o squass o wakefulness.

    But eventually Old Mr. C tired and leave tc top and sloilt. And I  doors or windows.

    I remember one time I dreamt of falling ttime garden and Old Mr. Cing, quot;; I ran aomping on plants  copligil I came to a giant playground filled er ro could see me inside out, told Old Mr. Co pick one t irely different.

    quot;Stop op ; cried my motried to run a;See en to your mot; And I became paralyzed, too scared to move in any direction.

    t morning, I told my mot ;Dont pay attention to Old Mr. Co listen to me.quot;

    And I cried, quot;But Old Mr. Cens to you too.quot;

    More ty years later, my motill trying to make me listen. A monter I told  ted and I ting a divorce, I met  c ty-t Church.

    quot;You are getting too t; my mot do to ;You must eat more.quot;

    quot;Im fine,quot; I said, and I smiled for proof. quot;And besides,  it you ig;

    quot;Eat more,quot; sed, and ttle spiral-bound book itled quot;Cooking t; t to raise money for the Refugee Scholarship Fund.

    topped and ter cleared .  tor; I recognized o steal baseball cards er ing  to divinity sco C to ty jail for selling stolen car stereos.

    quot;I can still ; ing said to t;S ingredients, so itd be a s;

    quot;Already cre-mated,quot; my motter-of-factly, nodding toar,  s get it.

    quot;t one, ; Sing to a large spray of yelloy-four dollars. All artificial, so it  forever. You can pay me later. Janice and Matt;

    quot;Yes, ted sent me a c;

    ter asked everyone to bo at last, dabbing er talked: quot;I can just see titude.quot;

    And o sing e: quot;You can be an an-gel, ev-ery day on eart;

    But my mot singing. Saring at me. quot;; I kept looking at t;Send-ing rays of sun-s;

    And so sion: quot;;

    Monkey business? ted? I ed to laug also t, ed,  alter one bit in t of passion? I could just see ing quot;Oo; tress trying to grab a breast.

    quot;No, I dont t; I said.

    quot;?quot;

    quot;I dont talk about ted no ;

    quot;alk about tric and not ;

    quot;Psycrist.quot;

    quot;Psycricks,quot; sed herself.

    quot;A mot. A mot is inside you,quot; s;A psycricks will only make you ;

    Back  about rue. Lately I o be  about in Engliserms. I suppose t in meaning ;confusedquot; and quot;dark fog.quot;

    But really, t. Maybe t be easily translated because to a sensation t only C trying to find your  youre so scared you cant open your eyes, so you get on your ening for voices to tell you wo go.

    I alking to too many people, my friends, everybody it seems, except ted. to eacold a different story. Yet eacrue, I ain of it, at least at t t I told it.

    to my friend averly, I said I never kneil I sa sucerally a porn off bot anest sewing me back up.

    quot;orn off erical,quot; said averly. quot;You  my opinion, youre better off   s only because its taken you fifteen years to see ional  feels like.quot;

    to my friend Lena, I said I ter off  ted. After tial s miss  all. I just missed t wh him.

    quot;?quot; Lena gasped. quot;You ed into t to   t even.quot;

    I told my psycrist I  of calling ted up and inviting o dinner, to one of trendy er arted t course and ;Its not t easy, ted.quot; From my purse I ake out a voodoo doll . I  fork at a strategic spot on t loud, in front of all taurant patrons, quot;ted, youre just sucent bastard and Im going to make sure you stay t ;ham!

    Saying t I o top of a big turning point in my life, a neer just t just looked bored, ill propped under ;It seems youve been experiencing some very po; ;I t t ;

    And so I didnt knoo t feoried my life, going from room to room trying to remember tory of everyted before I met ted (t toget after  of ture); t no longer s, four teapots); t (ty-five in a series of teuben crystal stra because I couldnt bear to see t becick ique quilt , odd-s once contained ointments, spices, and perfumes).

    I arted to inventory t a letter from ted, a note actually, ten  on ion notepad. quot;Sign 4x ; it read. And tain-pen blue ink, quot;enc: co tide you over until settlement.quot;

    te o our divorce papers, along en tain-pen blue ink on te. And instead of being grateful, I was .

    t pens? as tert?  in ermining o sign it  pen?

    I still remember t year mas tree. ;Ill use it only to sign important t; he had promised me.

    Remembering t,  on tting  top. I stared at tion notepad, te of te, quot;ten ts.quot;

    I sat tly, trying to listen to my , to make t decision. But t kno t store coupons wher.

    My motold me   I listened to too many people. S become this way.

    quot;A girl is like a young tree,quot; s;You must stand tall and listen to your motanding next to you. t is to grorong and straig if you bend to listen to oto t strong ion, running along til someone pulls you out and t;

    But by time sold me t oo late. I o bend. I arted going to sceac of rooms, up and do;Boys and girls, follo; And if you didnt listen to ick ten times.

    I still listened to my mot I also learned o let imes I filled my mind s—all in Englis , s she saw.

    Over to c opinions. C every case, tter.

    It er t I discovered too many c o get confused and pick ts  about my situation ed. to t, so muco decide. Eac a turn in anotion.

    ted rying to trick me, to get me to admit t I  I  fig,  later say t tlement. t a little sentimental and imagined, only for a moment, t  meten truly loved me; elling me in  to il I realized t ten to  I o him.

    I t about putting an end to torture and signing t about to take t of the house.

    I t to myself, I love t opens into a foyer filled ained-glass  in t room, ty from t parlor. ted ed. o ing every leaf as if s to certain planter boxes. tulips could not be mixed ting of aloe vera t Lena gave me did not belong anyws.

    I looked out turned bro, ttuce gone to seed. Runner one  er boxes. t.

    And seeing tten condition reminded me of sometune cookie: ops paying attention to ts.  time ted pruned t time ed Snail B-Gone around the flower beds?

    I quickly o ticides and  left in ttle, tion date, anyt tle down. I ching me and laughing.

    I  back in time to call a la as I started to dial, I became confused. I put t could I say?  did I  from divorce—w I ed from marriage?

    t morning, I ill t my marriage: fifteen years of living in teds s, unable to make t decisions.

    I stayed in bed for tting up only to go to to  up anot mostly I slept. I took ted  be. And for t time I can recall, I o a dark space ion. I ime I ook anot back to this place.

    But on tmare. In t see Old Mr. C o to finding me. I o keep from screaming, but t louder and louder until I burst awake.

    It  must op. I picked it up.

    quot;No you are up, I am bringing you leftover dis; said my mot tains closed tight.

    quot;Ma, I cant…quot; I said. quot;I cant see you no;

    quot;too busy for mot;

    quot;I ment…rist.quot;

    S for a ; s; talk to your ;

    quot;Ma,quot; I said, feeling drained. quot;Please. Dont tell me to save my marriage anymore. Its  is.quot;

    quot;I am not telling you to save your marriage,quot; sested. quot;I only say you s;

    s receptionist. I ment t morning, as  to resc my schedule and call back.

    And five minutes later the phone rang again.

    quot;; It ed.

    I began to s;Out,quot; I said.

    quot;Ive been trying to reac to c;

    And I kne out of any concern for me, but because s impatient and irrational about people w.

    quot;You knos been t; ation.

    quot;t;

    quot;You  casurned ted to be nice about t someone to officially serve t;

    quot;You can?quot;

    And t missing a beat, o say hings I had imagined.

    ed turned, signed. ed ted to be over as soon as possible. Because ed to get married again, to someone else.

    Before I could stop myself, I gasped. quot;You mean you ; I  started to cry.

    And t time in monter being in limbo all t time, everytopped. All tions: gone. ty feeling—and I felt free, wild. From high inside my head I could hear someone laughing.

    quot;s so funny?quot; said ted angrily.

    quot;Sorry,quot; I said. quot;Its just t…quot; and I rying o stifle my giggles, but one of t, weds silence made me laugh even harder.

    I ill gasping o begin again in a more even voice: quot;Listen, ted, sorry…I t to come over after ; I didnt kno I felt rig.

    quot;to talk about, Rose.quot;

    quot;I kno; I said in a voice so calm it surprised even me. quot;I just  to s  your papers. Believe me.quot;

    I  knoo er. I kne I ed ted to see me one more time before the divorce.

    I ended up sime e-afternoon summer fog  of my ed  as o the garden.

    quot; a mess,quot; I ter to rying to s leg loose of a blackberry vine t o ting  ake to get to order.

    quot;I like it t; I said, patting tops of overgros, t to be born. And ted in and out of tio. Oto climbing up to to pull t once the whole building down.

    ted ossing to t;; he finally said.

    I o uffed t of . aken for kindness and protection. quot;You dont o move out rig; ;I kno at least a monto find a place.quot;

    quot;Ive already found a place,quot; I said quickly, because rigo live.  moment—until I said, quot;;

    quot;s t?quot; ill up, but nohere was no smile.

    quot;I said Im staying ; I announced again.

    quot;; , squinted   any moment. t expression of o terrify me into stammers.

    No not;I say Im staying, and my laoo, once ; I said.

    ted pulled out tared at till till blank. quot; do you tly ; he said.

    And t ant above everyt;You cant just pull me out of your life and t;

    I saed:  strong.

    t nig I rees and bus. And tted Old Mr. Cance, ts ser boxes.

    quot;t; cried my mot me and o my mot sending a baby.

    quot;See,quot; s;I  planted t;

    And belo over tion.

    it ood   Up

    Best Quality

    Jing-Mei oo

    Five monter a crab dinner celebrating C;lifes importance,quot; a jade pendant on a gold c  a piece of je ttle finger, a mottled green and ricately carved. to me, t looked oo large, too green, too garise. I stuffed t about it.

    But t my lifes importance. I  means, because my moty-sixto tell me about lifes importance, to and my grief.

    I no pendant every day. I tails, ice until after ted out to me, alo Cie Lindo, Auntie An-mei, or ot I also knoell me a meaning t is different from ended.  if tell me to te and t my motility and posterity?  if my mot to give me purity and y? Or ten-ts from tain, giving me my lifes direction and a tality?

    And because I t time, I alice ots—not t rectangular medallions or te ones  ones like mine, a ts as to t covenant, so secret  even knoo. Last ender ;

    quot;My mot to me,quot; he said.

    I asked ion t only one Cwo Chinese people are already like family.

    quot;S to me after I got divorced. I guess my motelling me Im still ;

    And I kne  t really meant.

    At last years Cra. S tockton Street in Co,  floor of a six-unit building ter for a small ad agency, so times a er o insist t I stay for dinner.

    t year, C off o yone, but sill al s behind.

    Every time I  o Co ot;; ss and perfect black ;Cantonese, village people,quot; sted caps, bent over in layers of padded tops and mens vests. And my motblue polyester pants, a red ser, and a c—s look like anybody else. S t started in K sout to So  departed for San Francisco. My mot directions.

    And no  tuck,quot; s tenants o evict text t relatives from Co live t to get around rent control. t budge until sives. And after t I o listen to  every neice ted on her.

    My mot too many bags in t;Cost me extra.quot;

    And t artist type ed tment in terrible red and green colors. quot;A; moaned my mot;And take batimes every day. Running ter, running, running, running, never stop!quot;

    quot;Last ; s eacep, quot;t; So all Caucasians as ;t poison in a fis cat.quot;

    quot; cat?quot; I asked, even tly . I  cat many times. It om ripes side sill of my motcand on iptoes and bang tco scare t a and o s.

    quot;t cat alo put a stink on my door,quot; complained my mother.

    I once sa of boiling er. I empted to ask if s poison in a fis I o take sides against my mother.

    quot;So  cat?quot; I asked.

    quot;t cat gone! Disappear!quot; S before t;And t man,  and call me  Fukien landlady. I not from Fukien. ; sisfied s him in his place.

    On Stockton Street, o anot crabs.

    quot;Dont get a dead one,quot; ;Even a beggar  eat a dead one.quot;

    I poked to see y ted it out and into a plastic sack. I lifted one crab to find one of its legs o by anotug-of- a limb.

    quot;Put it back,quot; w;A missing leg is a bad sign on C;

    But a man in a o us. arted talking loudly to my motonese, and my motonese so poorly it sounded just like alking loudly back, pointing to ts missing leg. And after more s crab and its leg  into our sack.

    quot;Doesnt matter,quot; said my mot;tra one.quot;

    Back o a sinkful of cold er. S out o a sc newspapers and Chinese fragrances.

    ted t of tove. Sacked tileveled steamer t sat over tove, put a lid on top, and lit t bear to c into the dining room.

    , I  , and jumped back every time its claermined t to a great understanding er. But before I could even decide o name my ne, my mot into a pot of cold er and placed it on tall stove. I cer ed up and t began to clatter rying to tap  of  soup. to t crab screaming as  one brig over t. It must  crabs ry to convince myself t t o knoh.

    For our Neion, my moted ime friends Lindo and tin Jong. it even asking, my mot meant including t,  er, averly, o see if ax attorney at Price ater Ser from a previous marriage, ed to knos c in case s bored. My moto invite Mr. Ceacill lived t our old apartment.

    Including my mot made eleven people. But my moted only ten, because to  a c count, at least not as far as crabs  averly mig the same way.

    ter of steaming crabs  and s crab, test, t, and put it on ers plate. And t best for Ric, from  ural t o pick t-best ones for  looked t to Old Cy and deserved t kind of respect, and t left tter: a large crab orn-off leg.

    My motter in front of me. quot;take it, already cold,quot; said my mother.

    I  too fond of crab, every since I sa I kne refuse. ts t t ern offerings of steamed dumplings, ducks gizzards, and crab.

    I t I  taking t my mot;No! No! Big one, you eat it. I cannot finis;

    I remember t out, scraping out tidbits icks—and my mot plate. I iced ting up to go to tce in urned,  t h more bowls of soy sauce, ginger, and scallions.

    And tomacarted talking at once.

    quot;Suyuan!quot; called Auntie Lindo to my mot; color?quot; Auntie Lindo gestured o my moter.

    quot;oo young!quot; she scolded.

    My moted as t. quot;Emporium Cap; s;Nineteen dollar. C it myself.quot;

    Auntie Lindo nodded ed o C;

    quot;Crab isnt C; said averly in  y-five years ago,  same voice, quot;You arent a genius like me.quot;

    Auntie Lindo looked at er ion. quot; is C is not C; And turned to Ricy, quot; eating t part?quot;

    And I sa y, se: reddiss of orange freckles. ie Lindo demonstrated tecick into t: quot;You o dig in  t. t tastiest, you try.quot;

    averly and Ric eaced in disgust. I  and Lisa ; and too.

    Uncle tin started laugo o let us knoimes: quot;I tell my daug; ting next to ; you get it? Look w ell o, marry Ric;

    quot;ting married?quot; asked Vincent.

    quot;I s; said averly. Lisa looked embarrassed ion.

    quot;Mom, I dont like crab!quot; whined Shoshana.

    quot;Nice ,quot; averly said to me from across table.

    quot;t job.quot;

    quot;You mean you still go to t guy on reet?quot; averly asked, arc;Arent you afraid?quot;

    I could sense t I said it any; do you mean, afraid? ;

    quot;I mean, ; averly said. quot;ting your ting a living tissue. Maybe Im being paranoid, being a mot you just cant be too safe t;

    And I sat ted h disease.

    quot;You s; said averly. quot;Mr. Rory. o.quot;

    I felt like screaming. Ss. Every time I asked  of tax questions, for example, surn tion around and make it seem as if I oo co pay for her legal advice.

    S;I really dont like to talk about important tax matters except in my office. I mean, , and its  give me tion. Id feel terrible. And you oo,  you?quot;

    At t crab dinner, I  ed to embarrass o reveal in front of everybody ty so confront  t pages of brocs tax services. ty days late in paying my invoice.

    quot;Maybe I could afford Mr. Rorys prices if someones firm paid me on time,quot; I said easing grin. And I o see averlys reaction. Sered, speechless.

    I couldnt resist rubbing it in: quot;I ts pretty ironic t a big accounting firm cant even pay its oime. I mean, really, averly, ;

    .

    quot;ing!quot; said my fatill cricycles and crayon colors.

    quot;ts rig  to talk about t; said averly quietly.

    quot;So s are going to do?quot; said Vincent, trying to be funny. Nobody laughed.

    I  about to let ime. quot;ell, every time I call you on t talk about it t; I said.

    averly looked at Ricurned back to me and sighed.

    quot;Listen, June, I dont knoell you t stuff you e,  able.quot;

    quot;Youre lying. You said it .quot;

    averly sig;I kno  to  your feelings. I rying to see if  some it  ;

    And just like t, I arting to flail, tossed  o deep er, droe. quot;Most copy needs fine-tuning,quot; I said. quot;Its…normal not to be perfect t time. I ster.quot;

    quot;June, I really dont t;

    quot;Rees are free. Im just as concerned about making it perfect as you are.quot;

    averly acted as if s even ;Im trying to convince to at least pay you for some of your time. I kno a lot of o it…I o least t for even suggesting you do it.quot;

    quot;Just tell me  c , line by line.quot;

    quot;June—I cant,quot; averly said y. quot;Its just not…sopicated. Im sure e for your ots is  …our style.quot; Souco , as if so yle.

    ted ;I mean, really, June.quot; And tarted speaking in a deep television-announcer voice: quot;ts, to buy…Satisfaction guaranteed…for todays and tomorroax needs…quot;

    S everybody t it ters ;true, cannot teacyle. June not sopicate like you. Must be born t;

    I  myself, ed I felt. I smarted by averly once again, and norayed by my ocrain. I tried to find someto concentrate on, and I remember picking up my plate, and table, and seeing so sears tes,  I  her five years ago.

    table tered  cigarettes and put a crab sray. So tes out otally deaf over tc;Bravo! Bravo!quot; And except for range ss, nobody said a  to tcurned e of oranges sliced into  ts of  cleared , tted Lisas hand.

    It ie Lindo  ry again. You make oo fast first time. Of course s get it rig;

    I could ing an orange slice. S sound as if sing crisp apples instead. t eeth.

    quot;Good one take time,quot; continued Auntie Lindo, nodding  h herself.

    quot;Put in lotta action,quot; advised Uncle tin. quot;Lotta action, boy, ts  rig;

    quot;Probably not,quot; I said, and smiled before carrying tes to the sink.

    t , in tc I realized I ter ter. I , quot;e can provide t.quot; to quot;ts, to Buy.quot; t -1 multiplexers, protocol converters, and t  somet.

    I turned on ter to  averly. I felt tired and fooliso escape someone co look behere.

    I picked up my mote, to tc tart of touced t  like crab in t place. I couldnt tell .

    After everybody left, my motcting dis er on for more tea and sat do tcable. I ed for o cise me.

    quot;Good dinner, Ma,quot; I said politely.

    quot;Not so good,quot; s oothpick.

    quot; o your crab?  a;

    quot;Not so good,quot; s;t crab die. Even a beggar dont  it.quot;

    quot;ell? I didnt smell anyt;

    quot;Can tell even before cook!quot; Sanding no tco t. quot;I s crab before cook. ;

    quot; if you kne ;

    quot;I t…maybe only just die. Maybe taste not too bad. But I can smell, dead taste, not firm.quot;

    quot; if someone else  crab?quot;

    My mot me and smiled. quot;Only you pick t crab. Nobody else take it. I already kno best quality. You t.quot;

    S in a  didnt make any sense, t sounded bot time.

    I ting a of tes and t;Ma,  you? If you didnt like told me. I could tern.quot;

    quot;Of course, I like,quot; sated. quot;Sometime I t to save it. t I save it.quot;

    And t no off,  in  t my fingers around it.

    quot;No, Ma,quot; I protested. quot;I cant take t;

    quot;Nala, nalaquot;—take it, take it—sinued in C;For a long time, I ed to give you t it on your skin, tance.quot;

    I looked at t  green jade. I ed to give it back. I didnt  to accept it. And yet I also felt as if I .

    quot;Youre giving to me only because of w onig; I finally said.

    quot; ;

    quot; averly said.  everybody said.quot;

    quot;tss! en to  to follo;Al;

    I put t felt cool.

    quot;Not so good, t; ster-of-factly, touc, and t;t is a very lig if you  every day it ;

    My fat eaten co cook ofu. Ive decided to make o tell me  tore t and  Im making tly because I knoo cook it. I like t: ginger, scallions, and a red c tickles my nose te I open the jar.

    Above me, I o action er running in my sink do a trickle. One of tenants upstairs must be taking a s;Even you dont  tuck.quot; And now I know w s.

    As I rinse tofu in tartled by a dark mass t appears suddenly at ts tomcat from upstairs.  the window.

    My mot kill t damn cat after all, and Im relieved. And t rubbing more vigorously on tarts to raise ail.

    quot;Get a; I s, and slap my imes. But t just narroens  me.

    American translation   Up

    Queen Motern Skies

    quot;O! ;—You bad little teasing er. quot;Is Buddeaco laug; As tinued to gurgle, t a deep wisirring in .

    quot;Even if I could live forever,quot; so t;I still dont knooo laughed for no reason.

    quot;But later I to protect myself. And tauger, your moto s be  as well.

    quot; not because I oo? If I see someone  smelled t;

    tening to s.

    quot;O! O! You say you are laugern Skies, noo give me tening….

    quot;ttle Queen. t teacer to lose your innocence but not your o laug;