Ying-Ying St. Clair

    My daug me in tiniest of rooms in her new house.

    quot;t bedroom,quot; Lena said in her proud American way.

    I smiled. But to C bedroom is t bedroom, ell tomless pond. You tones in and to t reflect anything.

    I to myself even ter. S of  is part of mine. But ell  my past. It is to penetrate o where she can be saved.

    t slope doos  to put any babies in t I knoen. S  any babies. Soo busy dra someone else  say t s is an ugly word.

    quot;Arty-tecky,quot; I once pronounced it to my sister-in-law.

    My daugen for disrespect. But no is too late. Noo my so-so security. So times, I must pull it back into my  and keep it inside.

    good does it do to dra is useless? My daug everyt even for good-looking. Look at table. It is e marble on skinny black legs. A person must al to put a able or it  can sit on table is a tall black vase. t in. If you sable, the vase and flower will fall down.

    All around ter looks but does not see. t o pieces.  happens.

    ubborn. I oo good to listen. I ty. I iny feet ly imported calfskin stle ockings running across tone courtyard.

    I often unraveled my  loose. My mot my angles and scold me: quot;Aii-ya, Ying-ying, you are like ts at ttom of t;

    ted in living peoples o sing despair. My moto t I only giggled as sried to tuck my oo muco get angry. I was like  was wion.

    e  families in usables. On eacable igered Britistes, al amount. Not too muc too little. t for ttes. I t notole a jar and poured ttes out onto treets. e ran doo a large  reet, ted along ter. e scooped up cups of dirty er, o find a fisreasure. e found notreets.

    e

    often, I t jade jar, treasure I did not know I was holding in my hand.

    t t house.

    I een. It  my youngest aunt got married. Sired to t of her new family.

    Many of ting family members lingered at our ting around table in ting peanuts, peeling oranges, and laugoed s neher, so I called him Uncle. his face was reddened from drinking whiskey.

    quot;Ying-ying,quot; o me as ;Maybe you are still  it so?quot;

    I looked around table, smiling at everyone because of ttention given to me. I t reat from a large sack o. I ened cookies. But  a ermelon and put it on table h a loud pung.

    quot;Kai g;—Open termelon— fruit.

    ty puso eet table laug, because at t time I did not understand.

    Yes, it is true I  I . I did not kno open t ermelon. I did not understand until six monter o me t o kai gwa.

    t even today I cannot speak   after my youngest aunts o kno happened.

    Most of tives  t morning. And by ters and I ting at table, drinking tea and eating roasted ermelon seeds. My ers gossiped loudly, heir flesh in a pile.

    My ers o  as good as ours. My ers did not knoer of my fathers wife.

    quot;reat you like a servant…quot; cer upon hers choice.

    quot;A madness on ; retorted ter.

    ired of teasing one anoted to marry.

    quot;I kno; I told tily.

    It  t boys did not interest me. I knetract attention and be admired. But I oo vain to think any one boy was good enough for me.

    ts in my  ts are of t are planted s are planted by ot ermelon seeds I ing: I t of t laug before. And just table split from its stem and fell at my feet.

    trut  t   I t t  t I could kno.

    And soon I began to ioned by my fats nearing at me across from my uncles courtyard, ;See, s turn away. S;

    true enoug turn ao ink of old me my fat likely give to keep s t I fell into a marriage bed h him.

    My daug kno I o ty years before she was even born.

    S knoy ter,  and a large nose like hers.

    Even today, my skin is still smoot to , once so small and pretty! No t and flas sixteen, are noained, clouded.

    But I still see almost everyt to remember, it is like looking into a bo grains of rice you did not finish.

    ternoon on tai Lake soon after to love urned my face toe-afternoon sun. roked my c;Ying-ying, you iger eyes. t nig;

    I did not laug joy. I  like a creature to get out and ing to stay in at time. t is o love t is  so join t person against your will.

    I became a stranger to myself. I ty for  slippers on my feet, it o c I kneimes a nigo bring luck to our marital bed, in hopes of conceiving a son.

    t ed t  tle boy in my  earlobes, and slick  rose o reveal a large forehead.

    It is because I  I came to e. But even arted riger trickled doo my , rue.

    My arted to take many business trips to trips began soon after  ter t in my  t nigs, to blow  and  back my way.

    I did not kno t. It penetrates t and takes t it ble t from my youngest aunt t  me to live h an opera singer.

    Later still,  loat aunt told me of otitutes. A girl cousin younger even t mysteriously for er my husband disappeared.

    So I ell Lena of my s I y. I oo good for any one man. t I became abandoned goods. I ell  at eigtiness drained from my c I t of tell o e this man so much.

    I took t could be born. t a bad to do in Co kill a baby before it is born. But even t it errible revenge as tborn son poured from me.

    t to  like a fis in ter t kno means to not  a baby.

    er looks at me, s is because sside eyes. Siger lady. And she would have careful fear.

    I iger. It o be born, a very good year to be a tiger. t  entered tryside died like c summer day. People in ty became s into t get fatter. they died.

    t stayed in t I came from a spirit even stronger, and I lived. t my motold me rong in my ways.

    told me  s fierce . tands still s gold betrees, seeing and not being seen, ing patiently for to come. I did not learn to use my black side until after t me.

    I became like te clot o see my grief. I lost my strengt even lift my o place pins in my ed like a dead leaf on ter until I drifted out of my moto my family home.

    I  to try outside of So live ayed in try en years. If you ask me ed betrees. I ching.

    I did not reated me er of ted t  a comfort to be t is ed. Babies cra like my relatives graceless peasant guests. e all ate in tc t frying grease. And t a bo covered  looked like a living bory was.

    After ten years, I  a strange ill-married  to ty   onto treets. Everyw unknown women and no one caring.

    it fresraigs. I cut off my long  ylisired of doing noto work. I became a shopgirl.

    I did not need to learn to flatter ed to iger can make a soft prrrn-prrn noise deep s c and make even rabbits feel safe and content.

    Even tty again. t. I ter and more expensive t ore. And t tty as I.

    It  t, t I met Clifford St. Clair.  tores cyle clot t was  made me know I would marry him.

    quot;Mista Clair,quot; roduced o me.

    And t C;Like t.quot;

    I neit tractive nor unattractive. But t the black side of me would soon go away.

    Saint courted me for four years in range  ted me, soo long. From er aler  ink t can never be washed away.

    I  unkind. But oo polite.  me cs: a glass figurine, a prickly brooc glass, a silver-colored cigarette lig acted as if ts reating a poor country girl to things we had never seen in China.

    But I sa suco me, t I  even imagine.

    I aled ts graciously, alesting just enoug too little, not too muc encourage  because I kne trinkets carefully into a box,  someday o see them again.

    Lena t saved me from try village t I said I  kno Saint o  patiently for four years like a dog in front of a butcher shop.

    t I finally came out and let ing for to  until 1946.

    A letter came from tientsin, not from my family,   aunt. Even before I opened tter I kne srong spirit and ried to leave  kitchen knife.

    I t t. But norong and bitter floiness in a place I didnt knoail.

    So I decided. I decided to let Saint marry me. So easy for me. I er of my fatrembly voice. I became pale, ill, and more t myself become a  ter come to me and turn me into a tiger g. I  caused me so much pain.

    Noiger t neiting betrees. I became an unseen spirit.

    Saint took me to America, s tasks. I learned tern ried to speak ongue. I raised a daugced her American ways.

    it care. I .

    Can I tell my daug I loved  at nig I cooked. ly  trinkets I  day, ter, a tiger girl.

    love t it . Arms t encircled but did not touc  my appetite to eat it. No hunger. No fullness.

    No is a g.  tell my daug ser of a g. Sest s leaving ?

    So t I oget and look. I   cut my spirit loose. I  becomes o penetrate my daugoug iger spirit loose. S me, because ture of tigers. But I er.

    I er speaking to airs. t mean not in a room .

    I kno able craso tairs and into my room. ing betrees.