t day I o it: today, today, today. A tolling bell only I could ed my soul; I felt an unearthday.
Judit a card from my fat tray. A picture of floings and a note. signed t for bot and , but w could anyone do?
Juditer says would now… ?”
I slid t. “Now would be fine,” I said, and picked up my pencil and pad.
‘er ed to knotle pale. You don’t eat enough.“
‘I’m fine,“ I assured .
All morning I struggled ion of stray art reading a ne one ime to close beers even—caugill . All day I o distractions. ts, memories, feelings, irrelevant fragments of my oion.
Miss inter elling me about someterrupted ening to me, Miss Lea?”
I jerked out of my reverie and fumbled for an ans moment I couldn’t old s some at t s of tricks, gets up to all kinds of te zone t looks for all ttention to t for ared at e, ed, t t co sentence t presented itself to me.
‘er?“
‘Good Lord, ion. Of course I . have you gone mad, girl?“
‘Emmeline, then?“
‘e , do ? No questions?“ And t forinized me closely. ”Are you ill?“
‘No, I don’t think so.“
‘ell, you are clearly not in your right mind for work.“
It was a dismissal.
Back in my room I spent an tled, plagued by myself. I sat at my desk, pencil in did not e; felt cold and turned tor up, too , took my cardigan off. I’d t er. I made cocoa and put extra sugar in it; tness nauseated me. A book? ould t do it? In there could help me.
ttering against t leaped. Outside. Yes, t just to get ahe moors.
te locked, I kneo open it for me. Instead, I o t point from t been opened for a long time, and I o pull tcoo be pusep, a little disside.
I used to t I loved rain, but in fact I . teel to by all tacles t in its pat of toself. On ttered by tung my face and, beer burst against my shoulders.
hday.
If I t from beneatairs. t auction and put aside during ture. t afternoon office or t one lunco cten in it, Love from Dad and Mot te alone. o the shop—
I s I fat a candle, , and er. te tea, and settled doo quiet digestion and cataloging.
I kne I s in t from me, but from my mot bear t of table e of remembrance, one t made it impossible to invite otoo, to leave reat of a visit to toys ones. Cakes ed of t in tin for t day.
in my ear. e played silent card games a splutter, could be pain of t birtairs, cy to sympato jollity, in tairwell.
Un. It settled like dust upon t covered everyone and everyt invaded us ook. It se miseries.
Only because I o contemplate these memories.
so er’s deat? Per to. I er of me was a reminder of her loss.
ould it h died?
Stupefied, I in front of terest in wumbled on.
to something.
‘Margaret! Margaret!“
I oo cold to be startled, too cold to make my face respond to form t stood before me, sentlike drapes of green rainproof fabric. It moved, and two hands came down on my shoulders and gave me a shake.
‘Margaret!“
It was Aurelius.
‘Look at you! You’re blue ook my arm and led me briskly off. My feet stumbled over til o a road, a car. of ea.
‘Drink!“
I drank. tea .
‘Eat!“
I bit into t.
In t tea and eating c colder teetarted to cter and I srollably.
‘Goodness gracious!“ Aurelius exclaimed softly as y sandher. ”Dear me!“
to bring me to my senses a little. “ are you doing here, Aurelius?”
‘I came to give you to ted a cake tin ts.
Placing tin on my lap, me as he lid.
Inside ers, .
I oo cold to cry. Instead tion of cold and cake set me talking. ords emerged from me, randomly, like objects disgorged by glaciers as turnal singing, a garden ers, a baby, a spoon. “And soale grandmot you see means? ”
Aurelius s sold me—”
‘So you, Aurelius! o see , sted it.“
‘Bless me!“ exclaimed Aurelius. ” t bro of mine? I o pretend to be a journalist, you kno t I elling o sink in, ”A spoon like mine, you say? And she house?“
‘S, Aurelius. And Emmeline is your mother.“
Aurelius stopped patting my ared out of tion of there.”
I nodded.
turned to me. “take me to .”
I seemed to well.”
‘Ill? t take me to delay!“
‘Not ill, exactly.“ o explain? ”S only her face. her mind.“
ion, added it to ore of loss and pain, and ake me to her.”
as it illness t dictated my response? as it t t it my oors migo do , but more significant ted for my anso say no to faced y of o nothing.
I said yes.